


Calm The Storm

by maevestrom



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Arguing, Canon Bisexual Character, Childhood Trauma, Gender Issues, God this shit got daaaaark, House Party, I blindsided me too, I'd rather warn than not, Mostly Inferred But, Multi, Music, POV First Person, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Relationship, Sexuality Crisis, Shame, Sorry for blindsiding you, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Valentine's Day, Why did i TAG THIS WAY, Winter, Winter storm, couples, past crushes, sylvain and edelgard for the record
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:28:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 31,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29456727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maevestrom/pseuds/maevestrom
Summary: It's Valentine's Day. Sylvain knows this. Yet he is inviting hisfriendEdelgard to attend a house party in Fhirdiad with him, his three friends, and their romantic partners. His outstanding lack of subtlety is offset by a winter storm that destroys the power and threatens to snow all eight of them in.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Hapi, Dorothea Arnault/Ingrid Brandl Galatea, Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Yuris Leclair | Yuri Leclerc, Sylvain Jose Gautier/Edelgard von Hresvelg
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I have written Sylvain getting with women TWICE before Dorothea has starred in a fic of mine ONCE. I really am the edited Reductress article of _Woman Takes Short 50 Hour Break From Being Feminist To Enjoy Sylvain Jose Gautier_ , aren't I.
> 
> Welcome to my V-Day fic, 2021! Last year I explored my polyamory, here, my bisexuality. Would I say this Sylvain references someone? Wellllll... he does or he doesn't!
> 
> It's currently snowing so intensely that we risk losing power so... it all came together. Just a fun jaunt. This isn't everything, this is me just jamming. LAST fic was me being serious. I'm fucking about and having fun.
> 
> Woo

When someone offers for you to meet their childhood friends specifically on Valentine's Day, the question to ask in response generally isn't "you've had friends since childhood?". 

Sylvain is on the phone, not with me in-person, so by the way his breathing becomes labored for a second, he's as taken aback by my statement as most people would be. If he were here in person, his face might betray absolute bafflement by the woman he calls his best friend.

Thankfully, he's learned to roll with the punches over the years. "Yeah, at least these three. We weren't ever gonna let each other go. Easy for kids to stay, right? And yet, even with all we've been through. I mean, you saw a lot of it." 

I nod, my burgundy throw blanket needing little provocation to slip. That's no good over the phone, so I say "I remember." It's a lot to remember in intensity rather than volume. A lot of small marbles slip out of my old ratty bag. 

These are not small marbles. 

There are many fights, many insults, some truly awful family members, and difficult road blocks that each member has had to overcome. I assume we all have those things, but I think the intensity differs depending on how much we care about who it hurts. I sympathize with Sylvain fretting about Felix's father. I want to dig Miklan up and kill him twice 

Fearing that I will stumble on old wounds: "I don't suppose anything will be vital for me to remember?" 

Sylvain laughs. Even through the static of the phone, it is loud and destructive; it's grown on me. "So I guess that you're going!" 

I look up from the book I'm half-reading, in contempt that he would doubt me. "I wouldn't turn down an invite from my closest friend." 

"Awww," he responds. 

"But since we don't have anything planned, I'd be happy to humor you." 

Sylvain cackles. "Oh, will you now? This'll be the first Valentine's Day where you'll be doing stuff in your life." 

I flip off the air in front of me. Again, I inform him "I'm flipping you off."

"Of course! I'd expect no- wait." 

"Yes?" 

"I just processed that you're going with me," he says gleefully. 

"Of _course_ I'm going, Sylvain." I roll my eyes even though he can't see me, not announcing it to him. "Your friends gave me a chance to meet them; I'm too honored to reject it." I say nothing of the fact that he invited me on Valentine's Day. That can be kept silent.

Sylvain pumps his fist. "Yes!" He keeps cheering and shouting. The part of me that loves Sylvain adores when he hoots and hollers in childlike glee. The other part of me recognizes that it's silly and I'm silly for being attracted to him. Maybe. Probably. Still, I used to be able to go years without hearing joy like that, especially as a kid. I treasure it now. I treasure him.

He calms down and claps. He's probably on speaker phone. "Okay! Uhm… there's a few things you should _probably_ know before we go." 

"Is there now?" _Like why you invited me on the Day of love?_

"Definitely," he says. Awkwardly: "It's a lot, so be ready. Maybe take notes." 

"All right," I respond, not planning to take notes. "So get to it."

  
  
  


_"First thing: don't worry about overdressing. It's really casual there. It's not quite as crazy as days where Ingrid doesn't put a bra on or Felix is nearly naked until four, but it's still casual."_

I balk audibly. "That is _not_ happening. I am going to insist that I wear something nice, in large part because you said it only won't be as bad as underwear-only days." I do not know the step above for Felix, but I would like to avoid _seeing_ , much less _matching_ it. 

(An intrusive thought of mine visualizes Sylvain in boxers. I find it disarmingly easy. His constant shirtlessness around me _is_ something I should be weary of. Strangely, I am decidedly not.)

"Nah, it's seriously okay, Eddy. We're all going to be _clothed,_ duh, but wearing, like- think jeans and T-shirts."

"Sylvain, do I at all seem like someone who owns a lot of-"

He calls my bluff. "I've visited, ma'am. I've visited a _lot._ So either you wear the same pair of pants and tank top, or you _do_ own a lot." 

"I trust you to keep your eyes to yourself, Mr. Gautier," I joke- let's be clear, I realized I was joking a while ago. 

His reply is a volley of flustered gibberish. I can't rein in my laughter, so I hold my phone away from my mouth and sputter. "Look, I just noticed that you do, okay? You can fit right in, easy." 

"Ah, but here's the thing. You all know each other. You tend to live together when the need strikes. I am a guest. Therefore, I want to avoid looking like a used napkin." 

Sylvain hums. "You make a compelling case, but seriously, baby. You don't have to worry that we'll get on you for looking normal. You could wear a maternity bra and sweats that say _Juicy_ on the ass and no one would think twice." 

I'm very glad that he said that last bit- I was a bit short-circuited from _oh my god did he call me baby?_ " _Juicy?_ Sylvain, I wasn't planning to steal from your wardrobe." If he doesn't have a pair of those left over from his young teenage days, I'll be stunned. 

Sylvain cackles in shock. "Eddy, I swear my hoe-like tendencies are a thing of the past."

"Sure, sure," I respond. Though it's true that he's not like he was in school, or even the early college days. Meanwhile, I went to classes in turtlenecks, hair in a bun, trying my damndest not to be perceived. Unconsciously, these thoughts make me add "Sylvain, if I look like a grandmother, that's simply what I feel safest wearing. I don't prefer to show skin if I can help it. It's just… not something I'm overly comfortable with."

Sylvain thinks it over. I'd not expected his brain to process that so quickly. "I mean, that makes sense. I'm just gonna make one case about dressing casually, and that's that you dress that way around me." He chuckles. "Hell, sometimes you only roll out of bed after I knock on the door." True, we were friends for years before I developed a slight sense of shame around him. The truth is that the more his younger self talked about "bimbos'' the less I wanted to be another woman he would objectify so crassly. He's better now, but sometimes I still wonder if he looks at me in such a way. 

_That's not how I'd prefer you look at me._

I decide to end the debate. "I suppose that I can be talked down to 'decent', but no further." 

"Yes!" I can visualize how he pumps his fist. "Seriously, Eddy, if you wanna let loose, you can. No one's gonna make you feel ashamed." 

"I hope not, but feel free to tell them that I've taken Jiu-Jitsu and can bench two-hundred." 

That's a joke to hide my nerves. Thankfully, he laughs and says "Can do, hon. Thank you." With an awkward chuckle, he adds "It'll be really cool to see you as one of us." 

"Oh! I! Uhm-" _I feel like I'm marrying into a family, but thank you_. "I look forward to it." 

Fhirdiad is still as cold as it was the day I moved here. It's a shame because, being from Enbarr down south, I'm used to it being warm in winters and unbearable in summers. Fhirdiad is the opposite, so I'd enjoy going out for a visit in the summer when it's warm.

It is not summer. 

It is February, and the Goddess is getting him back for all the times where he said _I can't believe we're actually getting a mild winter!_

I show up at the door cursing the day I was born, not even a parka stopping my chill. I ring once though it feels urgent enough for me to press it over and over until someone opens it. 

Thankfully, it doesn't take long for someone to open it. I'm fairly certain this is Dimitri- tall, messy blonde hair, warm smile. One would think I'd recognize my half-brother easier, but don't worry about it. 

"Edelgard," he greets, voice sweet like I'm an honored guest. "I'm grateful to see you!" 

I nod with a formal bow. It's a habit. "Likewise, Dimitri. Thank you for allowing me into your space for the evening." 

There's a hint of sadness in his eyes like there often is when we talk. I think it's due to how I talk, but it's tricky to be casual when I only met him at nineteen. He tells me "I can put your coat in the closet if you want." Looking me over: "You certainly seem to have gone through rough weather. I apologize." 

I shrug. "It's Fhirdiad. Eventually you come to expect it." While saying this, I strip myself of it and hand it to Dimitri. I should mention that Dimitri is wearing a dad sweater and sweats, thankfully bereft of words. This is all well and good, but…

"Oh…" Dimitri is a little taken aback, though I struggle to tell if his smile is real or not. With a forced laugh, he says "I feel somewhat underdressed now." 

I hand him my jacket. I'm wearing a white halter top with two sets of disconnected straps on the sides, tight jeans (not too tight) , a turquoise necklace, and a pair of black boots that I take off, setting them on a rug with other shoes. "Sylvain insisted that I dress casually," I explain. "This is the most casual that he should expect." 

Dimitri coughs. "I- I see." He clears his throat. "I, ah… how should I ask this?" Quickly, so I may sit down, preferably. "Are you and Sylvain… seeing each other?" 

"On occasion." Then I get it. "Oh, you mean- no. We aren't." There's a little disappointment in my voice, which makes Dimitri's working eye widen. I'm not surprised that he put it together, even though at times he can be a bit dense. "

I see," he repeats. "I- uh…" 

He stops there. I would too.

  
  
  


_"Second thing: Don't worry about being formal. We're chill. Well, usually- Felix tends not to be but he's Felix. Ignore that and we're all chill. I figure the others invited will have the same mindset- like, I don't think I've seen someone give less of a shit about anything than Dimitri's girl. Uh, but yeah. Be natural. Or as close as you get, I guess."_

_"As close as I get" may be the best I can do, Sylvain._

I meet Ingrid's eyes when I walk into the living room. Felix is also there reading what looks suspiciously like a manga considering how Sylvain describes him. Also considering how Sylvain describes him, I'm not likely to meet his eyes all night. 

"Hello," I greet, still standing. 

Her eyes light up. "Oh! Uhm, Sylvain's guest, right?" I nod. "Nice to meet you. Uhm, I'm Ingrid."

Her voice often ends in a questioning upspeak, but it is also quite low for a woman, as mine is. I wonder, but know that's none of my business. Unwanted investigation turns me off to people too easily, myself. "I'm Edelgard. Charmed to meet you." 

She laughs. "Ah, thanks! Just… enjoy yourself, will you?" 

"I'll do my b- I will." 

_Fantastic job at blending in with the hyoo-mons, Edelgard._

I sit on the couch and take Ingrid in. Her band T-Shirt is stained, and I've never heard of _Gogol Bordello_ before. I _have_ heard of a bordello before, though. Ingrid is certainly a bold one, though her shorts- cut off before her thigh- could tell me that. I turn away because I am afraid that I am enjoying this too much.

"She's _taken,_ " says an ill temper. 

"Ah," I respond. "Good evening, Felix." 

"Hmph." 

Felix is dressed sensibly, wearing a turtleneck, jeans, and a scowl that I doubt will go away any time soon. I can already sense that I will actually grow an inch or two before Felix is polite to me, so I don't bother.

Dimitri comes in with five bottles of beer- I'm amazed he holds them all. "A little something for each of us." 

_For you all,_ I'm tempted to say. I quite dislike beer, but I accept it to be polite. Ingrid takes one from his hands, and Felix lets Dimitri set it on the coffee table, not touching it out of spite. Dimitri looks around. "Has anyone seen Sylvain?" 

I see the two others shake their heads. In an attempt to make a joke, I ask "Sylvain lives here?" 

Ingrid chuckles under her breath. Dimitri… I don't throw jokes that high, yet this manages to go over his head and massive body. "Yes, he does. In fact, so do Felix and Ingrid." 

Oh. Well.

Felix rolls his eyes. Even on my side, he makes me very tense. I look at him and tell Dimitri "Oh. I'm sorry." 

Felix crosses his arms with a glare that I suppose is to ward off threats. Ingrid snorts. "This girl is funny." 

Dimitri is again very perplexed, _steel-is-heavier-than-feathers_ level perplexed, and looks towards the kitchen. "I'm, ah… gonna see how dinner is doing." 

As he leaves, Ingrid shouts "Probably still in the oven at Pizza Hut!" 

I can't help but titter just a little. "So he's still a dork," I tease. 

"Pretty much." 

"Very," Felix chips in. Then all is quiet, leaving a nearby set of speakers to play. It's not very loud, and the song isn't very loud either. It's gentle synth chords and a familiar weary feminine voice. I beam, because this is right up my alley. 

Felix, however, objects. "Hey, Google! Skip! Fuck." The song changes to _Everybody_ _Have Fun Tonight_ and I get surprisingly angry, giving Ingrid a look asking _is he just gonna be like that?_ Felix grumbles more: "Of course Dimitri snuck in some sappy Valentine's Day shit in there. Good grief." 

I blink, confused, then remember. Then I'm relieved, because, well… Dimitri might have taken a bullet for me without knowing it.

Good grief indeed.

  
  
  


_"Third thing: We're gonna pass around a group playlist. Dimitri picks a few from radio station lists, then everyone attending can add a few songs. The typical mood is a mixture of hype music then calm music to wind down to. We put it in a row to try and match each other's style. There's eight people here, so we take about five to ten songs each."_

_"Oh. That's good to know."_

_"Wait. Seven. Felix doesn't get to add music. He doesn't even know it's a group list."_

_"Oh? Why's that?"_

_"Look, when you notice a lack of Nu-Metal and Emo you'll thank me."_

_"How do you live with him, seriously?"_

_"Nonono, see, he thinks the_ Disturbed _cover of The Sound of Silence is better than the original."_

 _I slam the couch. "Why are you_ friends _with him?" Sylvain starts to laugh that full, crackling laugh again. "I'd have driven him to the middle of Sreng and left him there!"_

_He wheezes before he stops altogether. "He's a nice guy! Seriously. Not his fault he's a dweeb." He pauses before saying "Besides, you're a dweeb. You should get along famously."_

_"_ Thanks, _Sylvain."_

I feel him before I see him on the couch cushion next to me, the immense pressure sending me down an inch. He's gigantic in comparison, a foot taller and built like an Olympic swimmer, though I feel like I also won the size lottery, being a petite 5'0". Honestly, both of us should have height angst, but he must have eaten his Wheaties as a kid. "I saw your songs," he says, grinning. "You're such a _dweeb_." 

I shove him, then side-hug him. "Good to see you too, Sylvain." Interesting how I see him often in-person and online and yet I'm always so electrified. 

(I know I'm attracted to him. It was a surprise, learning that I was bisexual rather than gay, but I can thank Sylvain for being the key to a closet I didn't know I was in and for encouraging me when I was nervous about my fluidity. I wonder if he knows how much he did.)

He grins. I notice he doesn't take his arm back. Honestly, with all you know about me, do you think I'd let him? "You too, Eddy. You haven't been here long, have you?" 

I shake my head. "About ten minutes. You're good. Besides, I've enjoyed reconnecting with the others." 

"Glad they're good to you," he responds. "Your bro isn't being weird around you?" 

"He's being awkward around everyone equally, so I truly feel like one of you." 

Sylvain snorts. "Love you, girl." 

I snort back, trying not to blush like a schoolgirl. "Love you too, man." I like those simple pet names. They're affirming.

The door opens in the near distance. Not much noise is made until I faintly hear "Hey, Didi." 

Aha. I was prepared for this. 

_"Fourth thing: like I said, everybody's bringing a plus-one. Dimitri's bringing someone, I don't know who. Ingrid's bringing her girlfriend. Felix has a friend coming by. Well, I say "friend" but we're all pretty sure they're not just a friend. Or if they are they're two steps from making out in our living room."_

Like I'd do to you? _I think. "That- okay," I say._

_"Yeah, you might recognize one or two of them. Either they went to your schools or you just met on Tumble or, like…" I listen to him struggle for an answer and almost help him out until he lamely spits out "Uh, girl Grindr."_

Girl Grindr _destroys me and I spend a minute laughing._

Even now I still snicker at it. _"Do you actually know the first thing about women?" I remember asking._ I've had only twelve years' experience but I am definitely more well versed.

Dimitri is louder. "Oh! Great to see you, Hapi. I wasn't sure if you'd show up." 

"Well, that's just because my car broke down and I knew I was gonna freeze taking the bus, but me and my half-frozen body made it." I try and see if I recognize her, but I don't. 

"Oh?" 

"Worth it, though."

"Aw, honey." Should I be listening in? "Allow me to warm you up, if I may." 

I _definitely_ should not be listening in. I trade looks with Sylvain and say "I didn't know he was seeing someone until today." Honestly, the things that I don't know about Dimitri are enough to feel guilt over. 

"Yeah, she's not from our schools, just an old close friend of Dimi's who became his girlfriend."

I can't help but aww. "Those are my _favorite_ types of relationships. _Uhm._ " I realize that I'm sitting next to a close friend that I would quite like to become my boyfriend. "That is to say-" 

"Hey, it's okay!" He laughs, throwing his hands up. "Honestly? Uhm, mine too." 

I bliss out a little bit at such a statement. He's really pressing my buttons, but mostly the buttons that make me really want to get handsy with him. 

Sylvain is a natural unnatural flirt, managing to say things I know are bullshit in a way believable to the women he used to hit on. Like I've said before, he's stopped that after our first year in college. I take a lot of credit for that. He could get downright misogynistic and I didn't want him to get away with that, especially since he wasn't irredeemable trash. 

(Let's get this clear- I'm not here to fix men. If I do stick around to help, I see something in them.)

I could always tell Sylvain never means it when he flirts because I have seen his game when he accidentally catches feelings. I'll admit, I was charmed when he tried to genuinely flirt with some of the college girls, even if that's mostly because he sounds like, well, _this._ This flirt he just flirted at me. 

Oh, my. This happening seems like a long shot, but it's significantly narrowed in time.

I come to a minute later when Dimitri is introducing his girlfriend to the four of us. "Hapi, this is Ingrid, Edelgard, Sylvain, and Felix." 

Hapi looks at us all over very deliberately. She's dressed very oddly- large green cargo jacket, holey jeans, tank top. She doesn't seem like she cares all that much, which makes her better at this than I.

"Okay, uhm, let's see… Ing, Eddy, Silva, Cat. Nice to meet y'all." 

Dimitri scratches behind his neck apologetically. "Ah, yes. She nicknames people like it's a religion." 

Meanwhile, Sylvain looks like he's about to jump up and cheer. "She calls you Eddy too! That's awesome!" 

"She does," I chuckle. It's a common shortening of my very unusual name, but seeing Sylvain so shamelessly gleeful over something so minor… it's adorable. 

I finally remember. "Oh, and… thank you." 

He's confused. "What for?" 

I try and think. "I can't remember what you said, but I knew you were flirting with me. It was nice." 

He chuckles, blushing. "Well, dang. I'm glad it worked enough, you know? Just… cool." 

I smile. He really is adorable when he's flustered. 

"Hey," Felix butts in. "Sylvain."

"Oh, hey, Felix," he responds. "Doing good?" 

"Well enough," he says. "Where are you going?" 

Sylvain looks confused. "I don't get-" Then he goes _ohhh_ and pulls on a tan-and-brown duffle coat. Curious, I pull out to get a better look at him. He's wearing a plaid button-up and a pair of baggy black jeans. Handsome, though my opinion is biased. "Yeah, this? I dressed up a little." Jerking a thumb at me:

"I _knew_ she couldn't leave well enough alone so I didn't want her to feel left out." 

True or not, that's a nice idea. "I only dress too formally because your idea of casual is sweatpants and stained T-Shirts."

Felix looks us over. "Uh-huh," he says slowly. "Okay, I see. Jacket looks good, by the way." 

Sylvain waves him off. "Aw, Felix, you're too sweet." That's a sentence that I never thought I'd hear, but life can surprise you. Felix just grunts and returns to his manga, flipping a page.

We have a few minutes of quiet, so we sit back against the couch. We aren't often quiet, so this is an odd occurrence. Yet, this feels… nice? No, nice is too simplistic for this feeling. Being in the crook of your arm trying not to fall against your side, listening to the three other talkers talk in a way my mind blurs out, listening to the song from the speakers- it's a bit of blues rock that feels quite steamy in a nonspecific way. It's… well, it's the kind of setting that makes it far too easy for me to imagine that I'm Sylvain's girlfriend. That he took me here to a Valentine's Day thing on purpose.

He mouths the lyrics to the song until it comes time to sing high-pitch, which he does with such gusto that he _almost_ hits those notes. 

I watch him like I'm not into it. "So you picked this out, clearly."

He grins. "Mayhaps. The filler's generally poppy stuff that I already like, so I got to freestyle a bit. I didn't add any, like, Mitski to it-" I flip him off and he laughs. "But I tried to keep a mood going through all my picks." 

I listen to the music again and to Sylvain crooning _feel that I could be your sweetest compromise._ "'Pleasantly turned on?'" I half-joke. 

Sylvain laughs, but it's a little affected. "Something like that," he mumbles. 

I grin, trying not to get lost in embarrassing daydreams in public. Pleasant is definitely how I feel. Pleasantly turned on? 

Well, admittedly… absolutely. 

Do I get lost in embarrassing daydreams? Well… let's instead say that the next thing I hear is an incredibly disruptive synth. I jolt up. "What the _fuck_ is that?" 

Sylvain holds his hand to his ear like I'll ever believe he has trouble hearing. "That's the sound of bringing sexy back." 

"Fuck me," I growl. 

Dimitri looks down at Hapi. "Were I to take three guesses, Hapi, the first two not counting…" He just raises his eyebrow.

Hapi just snorts and cracks up. Dimitri grins with a guilty affect. "She, ah… she's a fun one, that Hapi." 

Sylvain chuckles low. In a whisper: "Hapi trolls with her picks. Expect some Crazy Frog and Come on, Eileen." 

I groan and giggle at the same time. "That's genius and I hate her."

Felix sets his book down again. "What are you two _fucking_ talking about?"

Sylvain smirks. "How I'm gonna fuck her brains out-" I believe I terminated existence at this exact moment. "-so what's it to you?" 

Felix is embarrassed red, but not as red as me, I'd imagine. "Very funny, Sylv-"

He stops when the door creaks open without a knock. As I go to glance at Sylvain, I see Felix instead, wide-eyed and gripping the arm of the couch. "Yuri?" 

I look up to Sylvain, anything to take my mind off of how I was just murdered. "Ohhh." 

Sylvain smirks. "Yeah. Ohhh." 

Felix glares at us. "You two have a lot of nerve," he snaps. He's right, but he didn't have to say it.

Sylvain brushes it off. "Hey, I'm sure your _friend_ is nice," he says with an obvious wink at _friend._ Like he should be talking, Mr. Take My Best Female Friend As The Only Actual Single Couple, haha jk _unless?_

Felix groans. "We _are_ friends," he insists with an oh-so-familiar grumble. Still, though he tries to look coolly annoyed, I can see his eyes widen and fingers dig deeper into the arm. It makes me identify with him, and while identifying with Felix is _never_ what I wanted to do, it makes me sympathetic towards him. 

So I motion at Sylvain. "Let's let it go, Sylv." 

"Ah, okay," he says loud enough to get to Felix whispering. Then, quieter to me: "I didn't mean to do anything wrong, I was just ribbing him." 

"Yeah, I just… you know that feeling of bringing your first gay partner home for the first time? That sort of 'even if they accepted me, it's real now' feeling?"

"Ah," he responds. "Yeah." Then he gets how it applies here. " _Ah,_ " he recognizes. "Yeah, I get that." 

Felix's attractive friend reaches the living room and sits next to him. Yuri's dressed casually, wearing a lilac purple T-Shirt and the tightest pants I've ever seen. This all belies how incredibly gorgeous their face is, all smooth floating lines and eyes with a very subtly pleased expression as they look at Felix. Felix looks back with an adorably awkward smile, eyes on the floor, manga on the couch arm spread open to his last place.

"Name's Yuri," they say at a crawl, letting the words fill the air like heat from a chimney. "They/them." 

"Hello, Yuri," I say, nicer than any other point of the night.

I realize that Sylvain is also staring at Yuri. I smirk and tap his shoulder. It's like someone doused him with water while he slept. "Huh?! Uh, yeah?" 

I just chuckle under my breath. "I know," I whisper. 

"Right?" Sylvain whispers back. "They're just _way_ hot." Hand scratching the back of his neck, he says "I _gotta_ hear the story behind this. I mean, I've never met them. I'd have remembered!" 

"I don't know what you're saying," Felix says "but you can shut up now." 

Yuri smirks. "Now, now, kit. Be nice." They tame the angry cat, who leans into the cushion with a surrendering sigh. Yuri looks at both of us. "I'm more interested in you two right now. Kit, I know well. Glad to, in fact. You two, you're new faces." 

I nod respectfully. "That we are. I'm Edelgard, and he's Sylvain." Sylvain waves. 

"Charmed," they respond. "Sylvain, I've heard about. Edel- may I call you Edel?" I nod. "She's new to me." 

"It's her first time here," Sylvain accommodates. "Yours too, I think. I'd have remembered such a pretty face." 

I smirk. This is the sort of meaningless shit he used to spew. He still does now, but just to make conversation with pretty people. Once he's attracted to someone… 

Yes, it looks like we could only fall into a relationship like this. Two mercilessly strange people with the same view from entirely different angles. 

Yuri raises an eyebrow. "I _am_ pretty memorable." I look at him then Sylvain. We're both impressed. "I could say the same. To both of you, really." Sylvain beams so much that I swear I can hear it, and I blush too much. "So, out of curiosity, how'd you two meet?" 

My eyes widen and I have to physically lower my eyebrows. "Uhm, we've known each other since high school." I look to Sylvain with a _help-me_ look, but he looks just as helpless. 

"I see," they respond with interest. Hand under their chin: "High school sweethearts?"

I snort a laugh and he says _whoa!_ "Hell no," I say. "You should have seen this asshole at eighteen." He starts to laugh. "A sophomore half your size shouldn't have to lecture a senior on how to treat a woman, but then again I shouldn't have been smarter than him in classes." 

He busts out laughing, loud and clear like a lightning strike. "Eddy, you ever think that maybe someone gets what you said before you tell them someone's life story? Or do you only get it when you've made them look like a jackass?" 

"You were a jackass!" I argue. "You're fine _now!_ " 

Yuri chuckles as well, and even Felix is almost smiling. "I think I've learned a lot about you already." 

"I'll say," Hapi contributes, sitting on the recliner in Dimitri's lap on the other end of the couch. "You're both loud as heck when you want to be." 

"We've learned over the years," Sylvain volunteers. "But thank you."

The doorbell rings again, and Ingrid, who was busy at work doodling some nothing, stands up within a second. Confounded again, Dimitri asks "Where's the rush, Ingrid?" 

"Look, no matter who's at the door, I'm a winner." She dashes off so hard she slides on the kitchen tiles with a shriek. Before I can process this, the door opens and I hear her shout "Dora!" 

"Oh!" the two exchange a kiss I hear from the living room. Dramatic, yet sweet. "My Ingrid! How lovely to see you again!" 

_My Ingrid. Wait._ I haven't heard those words since high school when she was _constantly_ talking about the comphet cutie she's close friends with named _My Ingrid._

I gasp. "Dorothea?" I ask, just managing to keep my composure. 

"You know her?" Dimitri asks. Sylvain grins; I've told him about her.

I light up. "Absolutely. We were best friends throughout high school. Her voice is amazing, so she got scooped up by a label quickly after we graduated." Sylvain nods like he doesn't know more. Still confounded, I ask "And that's Ingrid's girlfriend?" Then, I swerve at Sylvain. "And you _didn't tell me?!"_

Sylvain laughs. "Surprise!" 

"Your death will be a surprise," I threaten. "You _know_ that-" 

Then Dorothea and Ingrid enter the living room and I grin ear-to-ear. "It's been too long, Dorothea." 

"Edie!" she gasps. Sylvain and I are no longer the most overdressed in the room next to her floor-length red gown. "I can't believe that's you! How wonderful!" Unlike me, she doesn't get angrier at her partner for not mentioning me. Instead, she sits next to me and hugs the life out of me. "I'm so glad to see you, lovely." 

"I'm glad too," I reply, lost in the hug. Despite myself, I mean it. 

I am under a weird tincture of emotion. At one time, I once saw Dorothea as my true companion and wanted to tell her my feelings. I never got the chance, as she was a woman who dated with a much faster turnover rate than I, who needed a year away at college to get over her. And yet, here I sit, in the crook of the arm of a man who, while she never fully hated, left off in her memory as kind of an ignorant joke.

She smiles and looks at me. Then, pointedly, at Sylvain, then back to me. "We have so much to catch up on!" she decrees gleefully. Then, looking up, says "Hi, Sylvain," in a disarmingly calm tone. "How nice to see you!"

"You too!" he responds, a little awkward. "I bet Ingrid's said a _lot_ about me, so I think you've still been able to catch up!" 

"Was any of it about not remembering to tell her important things?" I ask with a laugh that… honest, dishonest, it could go either way, really. 

"Yeah, I was just trying to keep it a surprise," Sylvain clarified, though there's worry in his eyes. "You mentioned missing her a lot. Ingrid tells me Dorothea missed you. This was, like, us trying to surprise you two."

Hapi points at Yuri. "We saw each other last week," she starts.

"Over mai-tais," Yuri finishes. 

I nod with my best smile. Sylvain tends to be very thoughtful of me in such a way, so him arranging a surprise meeting with my high school infatuation _is_ a thing he'd do. On the other hand, he knows that I loved her, that it was one-sided, that she never knew, and it's hard for none of that to linger. Not only that, but again, as casual as we try to be, this is Valentine's Day.

I want to be many things for Sylvain. I do not want to be another game he plays.

" _Sixth thing: it's Fhirdiad in February. It's going to probably be cold. Probably snowing. So a lot of things could go tits-up. Just… be prepared, all right?"_

_"Prepared for… what?"_

Dimitri hangs up and waves a hand. "Hey, everyone!" 

"We're ten feet away," Felix grumbles. 

"Apologies." Dimitri lowers his voice. "I just got word about our pizza. As it is, the driver got stuck in the snow and roads are only worsening so it's unlikely that we'll get it at all." 

Everyone looks a little alarmed or disappointed. "Goddess damn it," Ingrid groans from Dorothea's lap, a lot disappointed. "Now what do we eat?"

"We have a good amount of food on hand in the kitchen," he responds. "It won't be as fancy, but I can throw something together." 

Yuri raises their hand. "I'm an excellent cook, if I say so myself. I'd be happy to try my luck." 

Dimitri nods. "You'll definitely need it but yes, I welcome that."

Yuri looks at everyone. "Thankfully, I was born under a lucky star. This should be cake." They get up to cook, Felix following them into the kitchen. 

Dimitri smiles sadly. "That should help us," he says. "My apologies, everyone." 

Hapi snorts. "You look all dire and crap like it was actually your fault."

He sits back down, Hapi scampering in his lap. "Maybe so, but I feel badly for inviting everyone here for this to happen."

Hapi gently slaps his cheek. "You're hopeless, Didi. We'll be fine." 

With Felix and Yuri gone, Sylvain kicks his legs out. He's very long and takes up a lot of cushion. "This is getting interesting," he says with a hint of excitement. That's Sylvain for you, I suppose. Whatever happens, he's never positive or negative about it. He's entertained. 

Ingrid sighs. "Look, it might be interesting, Sylvain, but I definitely know I didn't bring my girlfriend here to freeze in Fhirdiad."

Dorothea playfully pushes her shoulder. "Ingrid, dear, I'll be fine." Flexing as she is known to do, she shows off her bare biceps. "I'm tougher than I look."

"Well," I sigh, leaning forward with my head in my hands. "That doesn't look good for me, being five feet and underweight."

Dorothea giggles. It's lovely and I missed it. "Oh, Edie, look on the bright side!" 

I crack a smile. "You're right. When we start cannibalizing each other, no one's going after me." Sylvain laughs. I hold his knee on instinct and pat it twice, just generally endeared. 

Dorothea glances at my hand but doesn't linger enough to make me auto-immolate. "Good call! We'll probably start with Dimitri. I can tell from here this man's got meat." 

Dimitri laughs. "Is that so? Then I accept my fate." Hapi slaps his shoulder and he amends "Oh, just make sure as my final will and testament that Hapi gets the biggest piece of me." 

"Good," Hapi responds. "Screw you jerks." 

Ingrid has her hand over her eyes. "Ugh, okay, can we just stop this talk? I'm gonna throw up." 

"You act like she hasn't eaten him enough." 

" _Felix!_ " 

I gasp. "Thanks, Felix. I _wanted_ that image of my brother."

Yuri seems more amused than anything when an angry Ingrid gets up and runs into the kitchen. Dimitri is dead to the world, his whole skin red. Hapi scoffs and says "Well, thanks for putting that image in everyone's head. Unless you actually thought of me naked, then cool, I guess."

"Don't say h- never mind." Dimitri holds a hand to his forehead. 

Dorothea is trying hard not to laugh. I'm snickering as well, but mostly because Sylvain is just going _bananas._ The howling, cackling, and gasping is probably closer to what this madhouse deserves than what I'm doing, so I let loose some laughter, falling back into him. 

"Sylvain! And _Edelgard_ ," Dimitri pleads. "Does this situation warrant such an embarrassing reaction?"

"Sorry," he gasps. "I'm trying to just get it out of my system."

I finish laughing. "I apologize, baby brother." 

"Baby- by _six months_!" 

I sigh happily and fall back, leaning against Sylvain's torso, head under his arm. It's all quite deliberate. I can hear his breath hasten. His head is up as if this is an emergency and he needs help from any of the six others or Sothis, whichever comes first. I'm embarrassed too, pretending I don't exist, nearly burrowing myself into him.

"Uhm, wait, I totally forgot to put on deodorant," he admits quickly. 

"You're wretched," I complain, leaning up. I look ahead and my eyes are caught by Hapi, who has clearly thrown her hands up as if begging the goddess for an answer. As if she can see me, I gently shrug.

"I thought you were bad when you were a fuckboy," Dorothea snipes. I try and stifle my snickers. 

"Guilty as charged," he blushes. 

Yuri pops their head out of the kitchen. "Unfortunately, I'm not in much of a position to try and cook with your two precious siblings currently arguing _specifically_ in front of the stove." 

Dimitri chuckles awkwardly despite looking very over things. "That's quite al-" 

Then the power goes off, every electric object shutting down in a wave that starts here with the music disappearing and the lights going out and ends far away in the bedrooms. 

"Son of a bitch," Dimitri hisses.

_"Prepare for, like, the power to go out."_

All of us look around. Dorothea looks confused by everything; I can tell that means that she's very alarmed. It's hard to see, but I think I see Hapi look back as all the lights go out. I hear a very loud and rough "Gods _damn it!_ " from the kitchen; all I know is that it probably wasn't Yuri.

Speaking of Yuri, it seems by shadows that he pokes his head into the archway. "Noting the situation change, I'm gonna amend that to 'can't cook anything.'" 

_"Okay. I've never been in a power outage yet here in the South Side."_

_"Damn," he laughs. "You even move_ into _Fhirdiad? You haven't lived here until you've been snowed in."_

I look up at Sylvain. "Well, it happened." 

Sylvain chuckles bitterly; I swear he has laughs ready for funerals. "That it did." Holding my shoulder- "Are you ready?"

_I sigh. A power outage is one thing, but "you did not just say 'snowed in'."_

_"I_ did _just do that, yes."_

I look around. Hapi is scrambling off of Dimitri to stand on the floor. Noting that we're almost out of the traces of natural light, Dorothea turns the light on from her phone. "Not being able to see is gonna fuck me up," she admits. "Ingrid, we talked about this, right?" 

_"Okay," I ask after a deep breath. "What do we do?"_

There are hard footsteps on the floor. "Uh, yeah, we did." She steps into the light. "Good thinking with the light. We have tea candles we can use temporarily." 

Yuri says "We can open the fridge for the li-" The door creaks open. "Never mind, I'm an idjit." 

Felix gasps. "Fuck, the food!" 

" _We better save the fucking food!_ " Ingrid yells.

_"Just… listen to me. And trust me, okay?"_

I look at Sylvain. "I think _I_ am capable. I'm just worried about everyone else." 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo this got heavier than I expected. Expect indications of past trauma and gender dynamics, as well as the concept of bisexual guilt/shaming and the fear about it. That is to say, I asked myself a lot of hard questions. So yeah, CW for all of that. 
> 
> On the bright side, I made a chart of who added what songs to the big old list. You can find it here! 
> 
> https://twitter.com/maevestrom/status/1362137348281044992?s=19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow did this story get pretty rough on me. There's a lot of talk regarding past trauma, gender dynamics, other argumentative things... yeah things happen. On the bright side tho I made a chart of who added what songs to the list!

We break off in the pairs we came in as. Ingrid and Dorothea start spreading as much temporary light as possible. Felix and Yuri are in charge of preserving the refrigerator and freezer food. Hapi listens to the radio for details as she passively helps Dimitri carry out a massive number of blankets; he brings them here, transferring some to Hapi to take upstairs. Sylvain and I have the least pleasant job- go outside and place tarp over all the cars well enough to shelter them from damaging snow. Everything is in the mud room I never saw attached to the right of the kitchen. More candles, the ice chest, the tarp, boots, scarves, and gloves. 

I look to Sylvain while we bundle up in the winter garments given. "No offense, but maybe we shouldn't have divided the pairs by you four and their plus-one." 

Sylvain steps into his boots. "Well, I'm from the border to Sreng. Can't get colder than that." 

I tie the scarf around my neck. "And meanwhile, Dorothea and I are both from the hottest part of Fodlan." 

Sylvain hmms. "True. It's okay, though. It's not a crazy job. Two cars are in the garage. I don't have a car because I'm a loser-" 

"True." 

"- _ and  _ if we add visiting cars, there's you, and Yuri. Hapi's broke down and Dorothea took a taxi out, so we have about… three cars, two which are near the front door." 

I sigh. "Only three." I have the end of my scarf loose and the hook from the ceiling is looking quite tempting. "What is this going to accomplish, Sylvain? The snow will just build atop them." 

He chuckles. "Look, not even I know all the way but trapping a bunch of snow on a removable thing is better than it having in the windshield, I guess." He cracks his knuckles and I wince at the sound. "Besides, Dimitri's a beast. He can remove a whole ton of snow if we just give him leverage." 

"That's a plan," I say. These are the smallest boots- Ingrid's- and they're still two sizes too big for me. "Goddess, this is the one time I hate being so small."

"Hey." He pats my back before getting three rolled-up tarps, handing one to me. "You got me here. I won't let you screw it up." 

" _ Wow,  _ thanks." 

Sylvain lightly pushes me. "You know what I mean! You can trust me is all."

I decide to trust him. It's not much of a decision if I can't help it, but that's neither here nor there.

We exit out the front door and along the side of the road where the first car is. As we do, the emptiness makes me think. I think back to many things this evening. Many events I have to strain to remember, but when I hit Dorothea all I can remember is not knowing she'd be here. Being shocked that she was. Sylvain withholding it from me. 

"First car," he finally says.

"My car." I'd recognize that compact anywhere, and it's hardly rare. 

"Your car." He sets the other tarp on the curb; I follow suit. "Can you swipe the bits of snow off?" 

I nod solemnly and start the sweep with a stubborn  _ nothing-fucks-with-my-baby _ fervor, focusing on the chunks of snow but sweeping the whole thing. A bit of it seeps into my gloves, the falling snow dampening the hood of my parka. Still, I remove it at a decent pace.

"Hot damn! I forgot how strong you are, Eddy!" he cheers, and I blush. "You stand on the side by the road, okay? I can probably toss it from here but I need you to pull it across the car. I'll hook it from there." 

I nod. "Better not fuck her up."

Sylvain stands by the spoiler, gives it his best toss, and hits the roof of the car with the far end. It's good enough, and I pull it across. As he hooks it to the bumpers, I spread it to cover the width of the car. 

Remembering how he complimented me moments ago, I look at him with a smile. He smiles back. It's quiet for a few moments while I figure out how to praise him, both of us smiling at each other like fools.

"Good job, uhm… hooking it, Sylv." 

This is the reason that I don't generally do that. It's different now that no one's there, which is odd. At least the crowd could distract from any flubs I make.

Still, he grins. "Thanks." I think he's being sincere too. He always gets the goofiest grin when I'm at all nice to him. I generally think it's because I tease him a  _ lot,  _ as I'm wont to do with those I trust. To test their mettle, I suppose. See if they get sick of me. It's very easy to.

Thinking of him now, though… he might have a different motivation. 

We start our march again and the voice in my head says  _ ask him.  _ I don't want to. I like things like this. I don't want to break it. Still, it's driving me nuts. Scaring me. What if this goes beyond my boundaries? What if I keep quiet, and somehow we do get together, and he ends up doing things more like this that mess with my mind?

My mouth decides for me more than halfway along the sidewalk to the other side of the townhouse complex. "Hey, 'Vain?" 

Without looking back: "Yeah, Edds?"

Well, I'm on the spot now. I try and think of how best to word my question to him. Unfortunately, I figure this out live-time. "I, ah… I know I asked this…" 

"Uh-huh…" That's not a question. That's before he thinks back. He might remember it before I say it unless I get to it. 

"I just seriously don't get why you didn't tell me about Dorothea." 

That comes off far angrier than intended. "Uhm-" 

Sylvain's head turns to the sky. "Crap, uhm- totally didn't know you were actually, like…" He stops. "You know, thinking about it still. I seriously wasn't trying to trick you." 

"I get that, Sylvain, but…" I sigh. "I've told you about Dorothea. Our, uhm… past." We turn the corner. With a deep breath, I add "More than I did anyone else. It's embarrassing and sensitive and I-" 

"Shit!" 

Then he clears his throat. "Uhm, I mean… I forgot we had Ingrid park her truck out here." 

I sigh. The front bumper is almost as high off the ground as I am tall. It's more like a monster truck than anything. I haven't seen a truck that ridiculous that wasn't driven by somebody enduring a midlife crisis. "That's Ingrid's?" I ask limply. 

"Let's, uh, give that a pass for now." Sylvain laughs. "Hell, it might just run over any snow on the ground. I'll tell Ingrid. Absorb any damage."

I chuckle. "Isn't that a little much?" 

"Definitely not. I live in a house with Felix and Ingrid. If they're pissed off, that's like running from one tornado into another tornado." 

I have nothing to say other than "...damn." I kind of want to ask him why he stays there, but that seems disrespectful and, tornadoes or not, Sylvain loves his little natural disasters. 

"Damn indeed." Sylvain tightens his hood. "Anyway, the third car is back towards our place." 

I nod. "Heading back then." 

"Yeah," he responds. Perfect. I have plenty of time to overanalyze the Dorothea thing- well, until he says "Seriously, though, I want you to know that there wasn't any other intent surprising you about Dorothea than to just, like…" He throws his hands around to indicate some scribbled jumble. "Surprise you with an old friend." 

I raise my eyebrow. "What other intent could I have drawn from it?" 

Sylvain seems a little flustered, his body language stiff. "I dunno, like…" He thinks for a bit like he feels that he needs to answer. "That you think I'm doing some trickery and treachery on ya." 

I look at the ground. Yep, that's snow, all right. "Sylvain, here's the thing. Don't, like…" I try to sound like I mean business, but I'm shaking. "Just, like… consider that stuff, okay? I don't tell you about these things thinking you won't care about how I feel." 

"I didn't know that would be betraying your trust," he responds. 

"It's not-" My huffed breath turns to mist before my eyes. "It's not that you betrayed my trust, it's that I don't trust easily. And I'm-" 

"Look, a lot of people don't trust me," he spits angrily. "You wouldn't be the first and I wouldn't even blame you." I try not to react, but tension still grows in my heart. I've never been completely comfortable when someone is so angry in my company. It… precedes painful things. 

"That's  _ not  _ what I was going to  _ say,  _ Sylvain," I eke out, trying not to shake. "I don't appreciate being interrupted." 

"Look, Eddy, I just want things to be different." His feet leave large indents in the snow that I try to step in. "I swear that I wasn't trying to manipulate you or anything." 

"That's not what I was worried about, but you know what? Now I'm wondering if I should be!" 

He stops, and I flinch before I can help it, gasping. He turns his head to see me just in the aftermath and I witness firsthand someone's heart breaking. 

"Ed," he mumbles sorrowfully. 

He does know about me, more than anyone. I've told him about a lot of things I don't care to mention. He always tried to repay my confessions with one of his own, which is how I learned about Miklan and other things that I could not ever be convinced to share. We know each other well. I want to hope deep-down that he knows that my body didn't react because of him, but to explain why it did… well, I wouldn't know where to begin. 

"Let's, uhm…" He says, trying to continue from how ruefully he said my name. Then, he takes a couple of deep breaths and says "Yuri's car is right there. We can, ah, get the tarp on it, go in, I'll see what Ing wants." 

I nod, trying to push my thoughts aside, especially the intrusive ones telling me  _ good job, Edelgard. You broke a human person.  _ Then I realize I'm thinking too hard, fail to see the curb and trip, eating about four inches of snow.

"Oh my fuc- Eddy?" 

Kicking into the snow, I scream because I need to scream and the snow will muffle it. I have never been colder. I have never been more broken. I might just stay there and wait to die.

"Shit, Ed, I gotcha." 

"No, no," I say. "It's okay. I'll…" I push as hard as I can but I'm held down like I'm being suctioned. I try another time but all I accomplish is further soaking my jacket. 

A few seconds of silence pass before Sylvain says "I should help you up."

"I'd appreciate that." 

He kneels behind me and grabs my shoulders. I assist him and try to push up as he pulls from the forward up. It works to the degree where I can stand on my knees, breathing heavily next to him. 

He claps my shoulder. "You okay, Edds?" 

I spit some snow out, sensing him cringe behind me. I'm cold as ice, shivering in my jacket. Still, I say "Sure. Let's knock this out." 

"Ah. Ah, yeah." We stand up. "Esskeetit and all." 

" ...sure."

We walk the little bit of distance to the car, my legs throbbing as I do. 

Why on Earth did Yuri drive here in a convertible? Sure, like any same human he put the soft top on so the inside doesn't look like Ingrid's flatbed. I wipe off all the ice and snow at the top only to find that the damn roof has receded an inch. "Not good." 

"Yeah, that's, uh…" Sylvain scratches his head. "A hell of a choice to drive in winter. Uhm, let me see, I'm gonna…" He points to the house. "I'm gonna get one of Dimitri and Felix to move their car. After Felix moves it-" I snort. Damn it. "I'm gonna tell Yuri to park in the garage. There's no snow in the garage and Felix drives a tiny thing so I can tarp his car up easy. You should stay in, rest that leg, see what's going on."

I feel like Sylvain is trying to shrug me off, leaving me after something uneventful so we stop arguing. Warily, I ask "Are you  _ sure  _ you don't want me to help?" 

Sylvain closes his eyes, nose in his hand. "Eddy, I just don't need it. And if I don't need it and you busted your leg I'm not gonna keep you." Shakily, he adds "I  _ swear  _ that's it."

Damn it, I'm not  _ trying  _ to hurt him. He probably isn't trying to manipulate me. Yet both of us look  _ very  _ suspect. 

I nod. "I believe you," I insist. 

He nods in turn and that's it. Shakily, we walk at the pace of my limp. Climbing the stairs, he holds the door open for me. When we're inside, he asks "may I?" gesturing to my coat. It's five pounds heavier, but he accepts it with ease, heading to the mud room. With nothing else to do, I take my boots off and walk past Yuri and Felix into the living room, sitting alone on the couch where I perch my leg. It shouldn't be that bad, but it is sensitive to the touch.

That's what I needed to process that this was real. Something to hurt externally as much as I am internally. I don't  _ think  _ Sylvain was being manipulative about Dorothea or in the argument, yet there's still a chance. Anyone can be, especially those who shouldn't be. If he was, I've fallen for the trick, as foolish as a child. 

I close my eyes. There's a cast iron fireplace with a small fire going and tea candles line panels in the walls and other surfaces. The mountain of blankets has receded to a hill; I decide to wait for one. In the distance, I hear Sylvain talk to Felix and Yuri by the freezer. He sounds easygoing and jovial, but the type he is when he has to force charisma, left over from his troublesome days. 

I know that he is hurt. I know that it's because of me. I know that vice-versa, it also is true. I know that we're both correct. 

I just don't know how to make it right. 

Apparently done arranging the candles, Dorothea and Ingrid enter the living room side-by-side. I'd expected them to be more relaxed than they are, but Dorothea looks concerned and Ingrid weary- not tired, but weary. She collapses into the couch disconcertingly hard.

"That's everything," she says. "At least, for now." 

Dorothea sits down and pulls her closer. "You don't need to worry anymore, My Ingrid. You've done so well." 

Ingrid leans into her quite like I did for Sylvain. "Thanks, babe." It is not the first time that I have been jealous of Dorothea getting cozy with someone who isn't me, but it's no longer her I want. I just don't think the one I want is going to be up for it. 

Dorothea looks over at me. I try not to act like I was staring at them and Dorothea doesn't note it. "Hi, Edie!" she waves. 

"Hello yourself," I respond. "Both of you." 

Ingrid waves, exhausted. "Hey," she yawns. "Been a long day. But at least candles are lit. Y'know?" 

I nod. "Both of you have my gratitude." I gesture to my leg. "I think I tweaked something so I'm glad I didn't run into anything coming back in." 

Dorothea awws. "You have a bad time, sweetheart?" 

I snort. "You can say that again." Then I cover my mouth. Great. 

Dorothea darkens. "What happened?" With a sigh: "Please don't tell me he hurt you."

Ingrid groans. "I'm too tired to beat his ass."

I close my eyes, the subtlest way I can get out my distaste at myself… and truthfully, a little at them. They're not  _ wrong,  _ per se, and I can certainly see why his roommate would talk badly about him, but there's a reason I struggle to talk negatively about him. I feel like the Sylvain I know is somewhat different from the one Ingrid knows and markedly different from the one Dorothea remembers. 

It's a complicated situation to be in my place for. 

"Edie, you've been quiet for a minute now," Dorothea points out.

"Yeah, I'm just nervous." Damn it, Dorothea always manages to lure the truth out of me. It's her clear, genuine care. She introduced that to me.

"Nervous? How so?" Dorothea gestures to them both. "I hope we aren't causing it." 

"I mean…" I fold my hands. I could tell them a lie, but I can't think of one. All I know is the truth. "To a degree, honestly. I, ah…" I try to bring myself together. 

"Oh, Edie… I didn't know that." Dorothea sounds genuinely remorseful. "Was it because you were scared of what we would think?" 

It takes all of my willpower to nod, tears springing into my eyes. I have to tell myself  _ Dorothea will appreciate your honesty. _

"Aha." Dorothea thinks visibly, holding space. She sees my tears. "This is a lot for you, huh?" I nod, the helpless junior to her senior again. "How about… I'll just be quiet and listen to what you have to say." 

I smile, though this certainly isn't reducing the tears. "Thank you, Dorothea. That reduces my stress." Dorothea smiles at that, Ingrid dozing on her arm. I believe it. I'm oddly proud of her. 

"I guess, to put it simply, Sylvain and I got into an argument outside." With a blush: "I'm not going to get into details, but it's over something he didn't tell me prior." I chuckle. "And there was a  _ lot  _ we talked about beforehand. I think he rambled an eight-step plan over the phone. Really tested my retention skills, frankly." Dorothea giggles at that, cheeks a little red. Too bad I've got to get to the heart of the matter. 

"So, yeah, we argued. Both of us made mistakes, but it wasn't major. Still, it's left me quite hurt. I'd try and talk to you about it, but I'm worried that you might have an idea of Sylvain that hasn't existed for a few years-" in large part due to my interference "-and honestly…" 

What's this? I'm crying? Actually crying? I feel an uncomfortable shaking in my chest. I am. "Uhm, I'm sorry," I gurgle. "I didn't expect this." 

"You're fine," she waves off. "Promise." 

"Thanks, uhm…" I try and find my words. "I've seen Sylvain change in front of my eyes. Genuinely change. I'd like to think that my persistence was part of it but…" I wave my hand in front of my eye. "I don't know. I'm at the point where I trust him, which is rare. I'm just worried about people who didn't see him, like… when it's us and things go bad, they think I'm weak, and that's frightening. I just don't…"

The sobs are breaking my chest, crying for mercy like me. "Sometimes I feel like if I really, like... talked about it… like, we've been friends so long, and he's genuinely reasonable, but I'm so, so worried if I ever explain myself friends will, will  _ think _ ..."

They break through. Goddess, I'm a mess. Dorothea leans over to offer me her hand. I reach to take it, pushing over. "Oh, Edie," she coos, just another soothing rhythm. "Darling, I hate to see you so scared, but I'm glad you told me. I didn't know it had eaten at you so." 

I nod. "Yeah. Yeah. Thank you." 

Ingrid leans up. "I, uh, can I say something?" 

"I didn't know you were awake," Dorothea admits. "I'm fine with it if you are." Sniffling, I nod. 

"Cool," she responds. "Uhm, I mean Sylvain's a jerk sometimes but more of the, like, doesn't put a cap on the toothpaste or wash his dishes. I've definitely seen him change from the jerk he used to be and it feels more like he's on my side, and he, like, speaks more positive about those he's into." 

I put on my best smile in this state. "I'm glad to hear that." 

"Cool," she says. "Second thing, and this might be weird- are you ashamed that you like men?" 

"Uh what?" 

There's something very intense about that casually stated idea. Dorothea looks at my face and just whistles, which is how I know that I look off. I certainly feel what I'd imagine being tased must feel like- in shock and unable to think clearly. 

I try for words. "I, ah… this isn't a question I  _ ever  _ had expected to exist. So, like… I don't know where to begin. I don't  _ think  _ I do; I  _ like  _ the person I like-"

"Sylvain," Dorothea says. Even though I know she's trying, she still can't hide her bewilderment.

"Yeah, Sylvain. I think I just…" I sigh. "That's how I've always sort of heard the story told. Badly, by women I know. Like it's a bad idea. Like I'd be an idiot. Which isn't what I think this is, but…" I sigh. "I sure  _ feel  _ like an idiot." 

Dorothea buries her face in her hands. "Cichol, I did that, didn't I? Gave my close friend a complex." 

"Let her speak," Ingrid tells her. 

"It's hardly an individual thing, Dorothea. I wouldn't take it to heart if it was. It's sort of engrained. And I've no doubt that it happens. I mean, I had parents. I just…" I sigh. "I've been best friends with him for a few years. I enjoy his company. I appreciate that we can tease each other and still show that we care. I appreciate that despite what I've been through, I'm not fragile in his eyes. I appreciate that he cares about what I need, and that he opens up to me in kind, especially knowing how hard it is for him. I appreciate that… even though we fought and I'm angry at him, I know that it'll pass and we'll be friends again." Yet I know my face betrays what I desire, a desire that has run through passion and has become an exhausted plea with the goddess. 

Dorothea looks at Ingrid with a smile. Ingrid especially looks proud, tired eyes shining. "That's really a nice look on him," she admits. "Sounds like he's doing things different. I kinda could tell, but it's cool that he makes you happy." 

"I'll say, Edie." Dorothea still holds my hand. "Edie, I'm so glad that you found someone who treats you with the respect that you've always deserved." She giggles with guilt. "Even if I  _ still _ am surprised by who it is." 

"Yeah, you've got a good vibe," Ingrid tells me. 

I smile, satisfied that I got through. To defend Sylvain's honor is to defend mine is to defend his. Maybe we're already linked more than I thought. The idea of  _ it's hard to imagine me without you…  _ it applies here.

The door opens and a volley of footsteps march to the mud room. My eyes trace the sound out of habit. Felix is first out, striding to my side of the sectional. I go to gingerly move my leg but he holds his hand up. "I know about your leg." 

"Aha. Thank you." 

He nods, face betraying no emotion. He jerks his eyes towards the mud room and, quiet enough for me alone to hear: "Talk to him. Please." 

"Now?" 

"Later or whenever."

I nod forcefully. There's a space next to me, the only one Sylvain could take. I could consider Yuri, but they sauntered in, saw the seating position, and said "Well luckily, I'm quite adaptable" before sitting on Felix's lap, tucked around him in a very not-at-all-romantic way  _ that you were sitting with Sylvain not even an hour ago _ .

Ahem. 

I take a look at Felix. His face is bright red and devoid of any presence. He took an express flight out of his body while a cuddly Ingrid and Dorothea coo at the scene. I just smile. Felix is a handful, but he doesn't seem like the type to know what to do with happiness, and his partner (presently or in the future) will help him figure it out. 

"You're  _ precious,  _ Yuri," I tell them with a casual thumbs up.

"I know," they respond, but their smile softens. 

"Oh my Goddess, dude," Sylvain says as he walks in. "That  _ is _ precious _ ,  _ Felix." My eyes cannot help but follow him to his seat, which he takes, sitting next to me like no matter what I think, I can't stop kismet. 

"Hey, Sylvain," I try. It's been hard to decide how I want to act right now, so I decide not to choose at all.

He looks over at me. He's not quite smiling but he can't hide the warmth in his eyes. We're both such bad liars, aren't we? "Hey yourself," he responds. 

I smile. We're very alike, even if we wouldn't think it. 

He looks at my leg, still resting next to the husk of Felix. "Aw, it's really banged up, huh babe?" His pupils dilate. " _ Um, Ed. _ Edelgard. Eddy." 

"Your, uh, your face is probably redder than anywhere on my leg," I choke out, trying to seem cool even though my mouth is very dry and I'm about to go back outside to stuff it with enough snow to melt in my mouth and flood it. "So… yeah." 

"Cool," he responds. "Cool cool cool." 

He rests his hand on my thigh, above the nucleus of pain in my body. I find comfort in it more than shock. I'm not sure how I feel about something like this, but I would prefer to love him in peace. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What have I goddamn done this was supposed to be a nice fun story.
> 
> Trauma plays a big role here. Reader discretion is advised.

There's a silent agreement not to talk about anything until later. I feel like that's for the best because it will be the end for me. The chance that I leave the conversation with my heart in my own possession is minimal. I am used to being in his hand already, and I have chosen to place it there every time. 

That doesn't mean that I am not  _ nervous as all fuck,  _ but you know how you can feel serene in the face of something terrifying? That's me. I am the dog declaring "this is fine" while my house is burning. Or my heart, either/or. 

We've all silently agreed to take the next hour off of existing. Dimitri and Hapi making the rounds to distribute blankets to the six of us is the only universal interruption. They take two and sit in the recliner. Sylvain is frantic on his phone for a few minutes to the point that he is making noise aloud. I almost ask him "are you quite done?" but now does not feel like a time to even playfully chastise him. He stops on his own and starts to lie back. He isn't holding me anywhere except his palm on my leg, but he is close and warm. I'm not sleepy yet. Should I be? It's only eight, and my body can't tell if I'm peaceful or dead. I suppose peace is a shock to its system. 

A few minutes later, he whispers to me "Eddy, I can feel you freezing from here." 

I'm conscious enough to feel my forehead. "I can't really tell," I admit. "Maybe my hands are cold." 

Sylvain takes one with his far hand, running it through. "Yeah, Ed. You're a popsicle." 

"Aren't we all right now?" The fire is strong, but the fireplace is far from us. I feel his forehead and he jerks away. His head didn't feel cold, but it looks like my hand is. "Oh," I deadpan. "That's… a thing." 

Sylvain nods. "Yeah. I'm gonna go look for some gloves in the mud room." 

"You did  _ not  _ just sit here and let me get acquainted with you for a half-hour to leave and take your warmth with you."

Sylvain awkwardly chuckles. "I mean, I appreciate that, yeah. I'm just worried about how cold you are. I know you fell in the snow, but I didn't expect this." 

"It's that worrisome?" 

As if on cue, Yuri reaches for semi-exposed skin under my bunching jeans. "You're a little cold, dear," they tell me.

"Okay," I say, taking a deep breath. "Is there anyone else who wants to touch me?" 

Yuri smiles, the ghost of an apology on his lips. "Don't worry, miss. I'll leave you be." 

"It's okay, I just… had weird feelings." Weird memory, maybe. When people cannot believe that you are real, they get their proof no matter how invasive. 

Sylvain looks at me, concern bubbling within his eyes. "I'll stay here, but in exchange, I want you to wear this." He takes off his duffle coat, looking mostly dry. He did apply an extra coat before he left. 

"Sylvain!" I start to argue. "I can't… at least, I… look, it's…" I finally look at him. "Are you sure?" 

He nods with a smile. "It would, ah… I'd feel a lot better if you wore it." 

There's something in his eyes that makes me take it, pulling it over my bare arms and zipping it over my halter top. I have had enough of being a teeny tiny bombshell. The coat nearly reaches my knees when I'm completely outstretched. When I pull my knees up, the coat covers them. "Thank you, Sylvain." 

He scratches behind his neck. "Ah, no problem, girl." 

I'm not sure what compels me, but I again rest against his arm, holding onto it. "Uh, sorry-" 

"It's cool," he tells me, free hand tousling my hair. 

That's the way we stay until Ingrid speaks up after stretching her limbs like a cat, lips smacking in the air. "It's, uhhhh… eight-twenty?" She's trying to be heard by everyone, but I think only Dorothea, Sylvain, and myself heard her. 

"Speak up, Ing," Sylvain says. 

Ingrid nods. Dorothea swerves her head around the room in a cold panic. "Ingrid! But what about- sleepi-"

Loud enough for everyone to hear, she says "Hey, y'all, we really should do something." She waits a few seconds as people jostle. "We sleep now, I'll bet you anything we're up at five in a powerless house that's damn cold in winter." 

"I haven't been asleep," Felix needs to inform us.

Hapi yawns loudly. "Mean, I have. Good job on waking me up, but I hate you." 

"Heard that before," Ingrid quips. Dimitri laughs, loud and pleasant. "But yeah, I guess like…" She chuckles awkwardly. "I mean, we can do something to get to know everyone. I mean, I know the boys and Dorothea. But the other three, like, we didn't even introduce ourselves. I mean…" Pointing at the three unfamiliar visitors: "You're Hapi, you're Yuri, and you're… Edie?" 

"Close enough," I respond.

"Yeah, that's why I wanna know more about y'all. So like, we should do something to combat that."

Sylvain and I exchange a look. We have stories, sure, just like everyone else. However, neither of us have stories we want to tell the group. I told a lot of my upbringing to Sylvain after I fought it for so long, and that doesn't compare to how much he's told me, sometimes against his better judgment. We don't have prepared stories. No one wants to get to know me and everyone thinks they know him.

"How do we do that?" Sylvain asks warily. 

Dimitri tilts his head up to look at him. "If I can make a suggestion." Looking around the room: "We have four couples here. Why not have a little fun with it and play it Newlyweds style?" 

"What on  _ Earth  _ are you talking about?" I ask. It's a little obvious that Sylvain and I are the anxious ones. 

"That game where you answer questions and you and your partner try to match them, right?" Hapi volunteers.

Dimitri smiles. "That's it, though I was thinking a bit differently. What if we just tell the story of our partner? Help others get to know them while seeing what we get right? How does that sound? Hapi, everyone else?" 

"Sure, let's do this." 

Dorothea and Ingrid seem ecstatic, high-fiving. Felix seems soft at the idea after Yuri says "This is a story I know how to tell." 

"Please don't embarrass me," he mumbles.

"I'll try," they say, "but that doesn't account for the things I adore about you and don't find embarrassing." Felix just blushes and looks away. 

Sylvain and I look at each other again, outvoted. His eyes search my face for something, and all I can do is plead for this to stop. But I know. Peer pressure is a bastard. If we back out, everyone knows we're damaged. I can't do that to Sylvain, and I'm not keen on having my trauma theorized on. 

Sylvain whispers "should we do this?" 

I shrug. "We kinda have to. It'll make us look worse if we back out because they'll wonder." 

He sighs. "Um, okay." So he doesn't keep the crowd waiting: "Hey, we're in," he says with that fake grin he always used to have. I nod to confirm it.

"Excellent," Dimitri says, clapping. The smile on his face looks either adorably genuine or obliviously idiotic. Maybe both. "Take a minute to get ready. I look forward to hearing these stories!" 

When he turns to Hapi, I glare at him momentarily before turning to Sylvain. He sighs. I sigh. This couple is not happy.

He's first to speak. "I think I know all the things that you don't wanna talk about. You know mine, right?" 

I slowly nod. "I think I do." 

"You  _ think? _ " Sylvain looks concerned for good reason. 

"Look, I'm doing my best, Sylvain." I snap. "I know what not to talk about but as for what to talk about, I'm stumped. Like, so much could tangle into stuff I don't want to say anyways." 

"Look, this sucks, but please don't get mad at me," he whispers sternly. I'm all too aware of the tells of someone who's very squishy forcing hardness. "I'm doing my best too, okay?"

I nod. "Okay. I'm sorry." Sylvain nods with a smile, squeezing my hand. It's sweet. "I just… Sylvain, does my brother often not consider how  _ shitty  _ something like this is to others?" 

He sighs. "Dimitri is seriously a nice guy. He's not, like, an idiot. The thing that sucks is that he starts on a big thought but it's immediately waylaid by ten other thoughts. It's not impossible that the dude was like 'huh, will it be hard for people to-' and then remembered Hapi's birthday."

"They're really close for birthdays, right?" 

"Not as close as ours but yeah." Then Sylvain thinks. "Fuck. Getting distracted." 

I groan. "Twit 1 and Twit 2."

Sylvain's laugh is so tender that I blush. "Seriously, though, my story… I haven't even trusted my roommates with it. You're more than welcome to just say 'Sylvain grew up' and leave it to their imagination."

"That might be what I have to do."

Sylvain places a strand of hair behind my ear. "That's my girl." I nearly shut down there. Does he have any idea of the effect he has on me?

I clear my mind so my retelling of his story isn't  _ hi I would like to fuck this man actually.  _ I try to think of the most coherent way to tell his story. I can't include his slutty phase; I'd be waylaid by his roommates being jackasses. Do I just say I talked to him? Why, though, if not to lecture him on the way he uses people? I'm still not sure why I spared a lecture on him. Maybe I just had hope. It paid off; when we met I could never imagine that I'd long for him like this, that he would so genuinely be a wonderful friend. Still, even if for a radical reason I told everyone, that's  _ now.  _ If they need a  _ then,  _ then there's all of the things that neither of us want to talk about, banging on the door screaming  _ let me in.  _ If there's any mercy, it's that I'm less likely to have a panic attack when remembering someone else's trauma, but it's absolutely not an impossibility. 

Eventually time runs out. I'm not sure I'm in reality but wherever this is, I'm petrified to leave. Dimitri gives us mercy. "Dorothea, Ingrid? May you start us off?" 

"Certainly," Dorothea grants with a beam. "Ingrid, does that sound okay?" 

Ingrid nods, half-present. "You should go first." 

So she does. In the classic dramatized voice that I fell for, she explains how her Ingrid, the daughter of politicians occupying a state where the great Daphnel held land, couldn't care less about any of that, or anything that wasn't a sport, challenge, or some way to strengthen her body. Sparing a glance at Ingrid: "And she has done  _ well  _ over fine at that."

"Have I?" Ingrid breathes, blushing. 

She met Dorothea when her troupe visited the state and her family dragged her along. Good thing, as after the show she hit it up with the star, got her number, and talked to her often along the tour through Fodlan. Soon, the flirtatious way she talked to Ingrid became more genuine, and meanwhile Ingrid was in love for the first time in her short life. It still took two agonizing years to admit their feelings, and another six months of evading her family's disappointment that she didn't marry a male politician. "My Ingrid has never one to give herself up to the societal standard," she coos, Ingrid flustered near her. They got together soon afterward, and even as Dorothea's troupe went around the nation for a few months a year, they're still incredibly strong. 

I want to throw up knowing that I'm expected to match this, but I politely applaud instead. 

Ingrid needs a bit. "I can't believe I'm this flustered," she admits, more red than Felix was earlier. Still, she talks about Dorothea in simple terms. She was the oldest child to poor parents barely making ends meet, who often were both at work too long to raise the kids. This helped Dorothea acclimate to the motherly role, and helped her learn to sing when it made her siblings happy, making it what she enjoyed the most. 

Over the years, life was the same until she got a scholarship to an art school, learned to perform more professionally, and was able to travel with the most prestigious performing arts troupe in the nation in Mittelfrank. Once as a student, then as a performer. "Then, eventually she ran into me. And somehow, everything from there, it's been better than I expected."

Everyone  _ awws,  _ including me. Dorothea tearfully hugs her girlfriend, saying "you made me sound so amazing.' 

"You are," is the simple reply.

I'm touched as well. I'd desired Dorothea for a long time, even acknowledging that it would be an incredibly long shot. I wasn't jealous of Ingrid beyond the confusion of wondering how she did it. Now I can see how much admiration and understanding there is both ways in the relationship. 

Hapi's next. Brusque as ever: "I met Didi when I transferred to his school up north. He was really popular and I, ahem, wasn't-" 

"Boo," Yuri adds. 

She giggles. "Yeah, they don't know what they were missing. Anyway, I'm cynical as hell, especially seeing how this guy at least acted nice to everyone but was part of a crowd that never liked me. I was like  _ it's an act, you make him mad and he'll take off the mask.  _ Then I did and the poor dude, I still feel so bad. Looked like a golden retriever I hit with a newspaper. Like he doesn't know what he did but he sees his friend mad and wants her to be happy." Dimitri kisses her forehead.

"And… I guess over time I started to believe him. Started to love him. Course, I thought it was doomed from the start because he's a popular football player and I'm a wise-ass no one actually likes."

"Hiss," Yuri scolds, saying the onomatopoeia literally.

"Hey, you're a fuckin' sweetheart. You like everyone, okay?" Sylvain and I exchange a look and I look at Felix for a moment. He gets it and snickers. "Point is, when he asked me to prom it fucked me up. I asked if he really wanted to take a nobody loser, and I think Dimitri said something like 'don't talk about yourself this way. I asked you because I like you and enjoy your company' and in my head I was like  _ fuck,  _ I've actually started to internalize the bullshit people said about me. All of these years later, I'm better about it because this giant puppy made me like myself." She stops as everyone says  _ awww  _ and Dimitri kisses her forehead once more. Then, as if remembering: "Seriously, though, never beat your dogs or I'll find you." 

The six of us laugh. Strange how I've barely known her even today, but I feel as though I won't forget her. I'm glad she's my brother's partner. 

Poor Dimitri has to get back to the living; we've all had moments where our partners have left us bereft of life. Still, he manages to out-sweet Hapi effortlessly. "The telling of our story was something Hapi did quite well. However, what she forgot is that she is an absolutely lovely woman that I am so amazed by." 

"Oh my God, don't," Hapi begs. 

Dimitri usually caters to Hapi. Not this time. He lists every single thing about her that he's especially proud of. From getting into college to the fact that she can whip up a mean Saint Seiros Day feast- "with an assortment of pie that even I can taste!". From excelling at the coin drop games at arcades that land them an ocean of tickets to her Finals essay being edited for a medical journal. From making the Annual Dean's List to getting their first pet even as she worried she would lose her temper and become violent (she never has). There's more than that, but I admit getting overwhelmed, holding Sylvain and wondering if he feels the same about me. 

"For six years, Hapi has stood by my side. Even when life wants to take us in different directions. Even when the idea of commitment once scared her. Even when there are things in her heart and mind to battle. She's feared many things and done none of them. I'm so fortunate to have such a partner." 

Hapi holds onto his chest. In an audible attempt to hold back her emotions, she says "Wow, uhm… thank you" shakily, on the verge of crying.

"Holy  _ fuck, _ " I whisper to Sylvain. "I feel like I was just drive-by wooed." 

Sylvain grins. "He's like that."

Felix has his eyes closed as he describes Yuri. "I'm probably not gonna be very long," he admits.

"Quite all right," Yuri responds, stroking his hair lovingly.

"Okay," he starts. "Uhm, Yuri was born around Gaspard territory. Their family was…" He looks at a still-smiling Yuri. "Poor and not really together. Eventually, their family… split." Saying this makes Felix more mournful than Yuri. In a barely audible voice: "Not gonna go on there.

"In the years, they went from foster home to foster home. They managed to get a scholarship to a good boarding school and… everything went right for them. They were popular, got good grades, met good people. They felt safe enough to even, you know, come out. When they graduated, they went back to Gaspard and for a work thing, went to the old fort in Arianrhod. That's, uh. Where we met." After a few seconds of silence and Felix awkwardly gesturing that he was done, he gets some applause, including from Yuri, utterly charmed by the man in front of them.

"I arranged to tell our story," Yuri explains. "Before I do that, however, I'll introduce one of its stunning co-stars." Felix already buries his face to hide his blush. "Felix here was from a military family that hardened him enough, which- as you can see- isn't him." With a quick hug: "He is soft and squishy and as much as he tries to hide it he has such kind eyes." 

_ For you,  _ I think. 

"Around the time we've met, he's been dragged by his family to Fort Arianrhod. His brother, you see, is a very patriotic soldier. Felix was always expected to be that way by his father, but he's way too shy and sweet and can't even kill bugs." 

"Yuri!" Felix whines, but I can see his head edge closer to Yuri. 

"We met that day. I was on an assignment to write a travel article recommending the fort. I'll admit, it was quite the fascinating place. Both sides mirrored each other- paths, gates, houses, even meager equipment. I met Felix that day, awkwardly trudging along with his blue-blooded family. I talked to the family, but from the jump he had my interest. We became friends and talked more. I learned that this man, who looked like a last-minute replacement for the grim reaper, was one of the most genuine sweethearts I'd ever meet." Felix just buries his head in Yuri's shoulder. I don't think any of the three visitors anticipated him to be so soft even if they knew that the toughness was an act. 

"He was worried that his family was trying to drag him to the military like his brother. Like his lineage. He wasn't like that. What he was like was one of the most genuine, bighearted, emotionally open people I'd ever met." 

For the first time ever, his face hardens. "Lovely qualities that I  _ knew _ , just  _ knew  _ that the military would sand out of him. Qualities that his family thought should be sanded out. I had to watch the relatives of, like, the man I love try and beat the qualities out of him that made me fall for him."

Felix starts to cry on his shoulder. I can faintly hear him whisper an  _ I-love-you  _ through the tears.

"I love you too," Yuri whispers back, kissing between his eyes. I gasp because it's so precious. I feel like I'm intruding on something, holding Sylvain's arm to steady myself. I look up at him and he's got tears in his eyes. That's where we are right now.

"Anyway, Felix did go his own way. His family wasn't good to him about it. About… a lot of things. But his decision, one that kept the world from losing one of its most talented artists, was one that took more bravery than I've ever seen. I also gained something that day that I didn't expect: love. Love and admiration for this man, the strongest I'd ever meet."

Yuri looks cool on the surface, but I see how he sweats, how desperately he holds onto Felix, as if to say  _ I meant this. I always meant this. _

It's quiet for a minute. I see Felix crying. Sylvain was already tearing up, but by my estimation, all of the four are in tears, Dorothea and (amazingly) Hapi joining them. I look to Sylvain. "I'm so touched for him. I just really am." I nod in agreement.

"Sylvain, Edelgard," Dimitri says to us, the two rebels in the back whispering. "I'd love to learn about the two of you."

I freeze up immediately, but Sylvain cheerfully holds up two fingers at him before swerving back to me. "Uhh, fuck," he hisses. "Okay, how do we do this?" 

"You just go general with my life," I plead. "If there's anything bad, use euphemisms. You can also go into our story, if you want." 

"So that leaves you with my backstory." 

"Yeah." 

"You know what not to say, right?" 

"Absolutely." 

"Good." He raises his hand, facing outward again. "We're ready."

"Sylvain will go first," I volunteer. 

"He sure as hell will." He also tries not to look scared out of his mind. I can imagine the anxiety with the biggest judge being in your arms, but I have faith in him.

"So, Eddy. I met her because we both ended up at Garreg Mach's boarding school smack in the middle of Fodlan. There's not a time since then that she's done less than speak her mind." Right now I'm  _ definitely  _ not, but it's kind to hear. "I think I needed it since I wasn't my best self just yet. A lot of people would have lost their minds and quit trying to deal with me, but not Eddy. She lost her mind and  _ stayed _ ." A lot of people laugh. I slap his shoulder with the sleeves of his own jacket, smirking. 

"I don't think Edelgard's the type to give up," he continues. "Things happened in her life as she grew up that really gave her both this fighting spirit and this stubborn inability to give up. And, like… this is a little bit of tangent but I really hate this idea of dudes getting a girl just so she can fix him like they shouldn't assess their own flaws. I mean, I used to be that way about any partner, but it wasn't helping. I needed to learn to fly; I'm lucky I had the wind at my back." There's no way old Sylvain would ever say something like this, and it's not like I put him in a daily class on feminist leanings. The amount he put in was roughly equal to what I did. Maybe more.

"Edelgard surprised me with how much she cared. The more I learned about her, the more she told me, I got why that was. I'm still not completely sure why she stuck with me, but I've been getting better, she's been more open- it's just the nicest feeling being around here now that I know that she wants to be here." 

I beam. "Course I do, you goof." 

People don't realize that he's done for a few seconds but applaud when they do. Dimitri is the one to ask "I-is that  _ all,  _ Sylvain?" My heart sinks. "I don't mean to pry; I just noticed that you hardly talked about her before she met you." My smile and optimism? Gone. 

Sylvain does his hollow laugh. "That's all the things that matter." 

Dimitri looks suspicious but shrugs, not considering it a slight. "I admit that I hoped to learn about her, but it's of no importance." Gesturing to me: "Well then, Edelgard?" 

I blink a few times. If that little omission can catch Dimitri's attention, then mine will get raked over the coals. Still, I figure I can start and go from there. Just not think about it. 

So I do.

"Sylvain's a good man," I start, a little defensive. "It, ah… surprised me. I know that we all knew what kind of man he used to be, but he's the type of man who… well, he's authentic. I used to wonder why he changed to be how he is. It wasn't just me, but he needed prompting to. I was wondering if he was trying to show me, and I hoped I didn't look like I didn't believe in him. But I realized when he did… It was as thanks. For helping him reach a point to build himself right this time. Like-" 

I stop. I almost said  _ Like he never thought he had to,  _ an innocuous statement all on it's own. It's just that I know why. He told me. He told me who… about why. About Miklan, about his father. I shudder at the memory. Sylvain looks at me, a little embarrassed at my suspicious silence.  _ I'm messing this up. _

I continue. "I tended to be fascinated that I got a different Sylvain than anyone else. Like, some details would be noticed by those feeling the lack. But the way he talks to me, sits with me…" I tear up a little. "He listens to me. No one  _ ever  _ listens to me. I'm so lucky. I wonder if he realizes that… I love him. I know we're different from the others. We'll talk sometimes. Sometimes we do big things, make a space for ourselves. Sometimes, we just hang out at my little apartment and play video games, but it's all earned because our… our, like…" 

I stop. I don't know how I'm to do this. While we've had plenty of times otherwise, the crux of things is the trauma he faced. He became someone I cared about because he shared his trauma with me and I wanted to defend him. The more he described people who hurt him, the more I wanted to counter them. I shared with him what happened to me and he held me for the first time as I tensed against him, waiting to be condemned, crying when he told me that the idea of leaving me was ridiculous. _ You're never getting rid of me,  _ he joked. I never wanted to. 

I hear someone clear their throat and come to with six sets of eyes trained on me. I try to remember where I was and forget. Great. The eyes feel like a mountain of pressure, or like little individual mountains. I wonder how they'd react if they knew. If they'd think I'm a freak. If they already do.

"Edie," Dorothea asks, voice dripping with concern- do I trust them? "Sweetheart, are you okay?" 

"Uhm, like… yeah," I lie feebly. I feel a pair of tense hands rubbing my shoulders. "I just am, like… done." 

"Are you sure?" Dimitri asks.

"Oh, I'm  _ very  _ sure," I snap. I stand up, feet touching the ground for the first time in what feels like hours. "I just knew I wasn't gonna be good at this. I'm just  _ toxic. _ " 

"You're not toxic," Sylvain calls after me. I look back and his eyes are desperate pleads. His body language is a different story. He does his best to avoid being violent around me, and as bad as this is, I feel like he's holding back.

I'm hurting him.

"S'ok, baby. I just need a…" I gulp, trying to keep a sob down. "Just a moment." 

I walk quickly out of the living room, through the kitchen to the mud room. I can still hear them- meaning they can hear me, I think- so frantically I look for a door that doesn't lead outside. I find one and take it, and I'm in the garage in record time, tears breaking from my eyes before I even touch the knob. 

I start to cry. My mind isn't even coherent enough to explain why, but I feel guilt and shame. I just know that I love this man and I'm too incompetent to explain how our trauma has bonded us without fucking up. Ugh, Goddess damn it! Why did everyone decide on this game so easily? Why didn't they think it through? It's one thing to condense my story, cross sections of my biograph out and turn it into blackout poetry. Instead I was given a script that I'd never seen and was told to memorize it in mere minutes, aware that I need to eliminate many lines but not given time to read it through. 

And yet, that still doesn't eliminate the fact that I caused all of this, caused all of the eyes to look at Sylvain, ran before I could say something not to embarrass him. 

Noise stops my crying. I hear voices, muffled yet just above me, letting me occasionally make out words. I hear the harsh buzz of an argument and shake. It's a sound I'm too familiar with. One of the voices sounds like… Dimitri? He's loud but calm. The one who sounds angry… I listen, assuming it's Felix, but my mind is soon forced to accept the truth. 

I listen closely. I have to. Fortunately, they have very thin walls. Or loud people.

"You didn't think? You didn't think that this was a bad idea? ...of course we did! We were outnumbered! We had to play along or y'all would think she's weak! ...That's not what I care about! Dimitri! You just sent your sister crying because you act like everyone has your damn- Of  _ course  _ I'm mad! Dude, you're so fucking selfish sometimes! What the-  _ yes!  _ I said-" 

Then I hear Felix. He's yelling too, so loudly and unrestrained that I can't make everything out. I just hear something like "He's not a fucking idiot!" and "Do you listen?! Do you  _ ever  _ fucking listen?" and the loudest bellow of all " _ She's your sister! You never fucking gathered that?!"  _

I can't take it and duck under a large metal shelf, screaming my sobs out. Fighting like this that sounds violent terrifies me. I've always been so horrible at dealing with it. Oh, Goddess, how much I want to be a powerful and capable woman, and yet there is so much disgustingly weak about me. I've had to carry far too many burdens with fragile hands, but even as they crack, I have the load weighing me down, crushing me. 

Ingrid talks, forceful but very calm. Dorothea, emotional, says my name. I'd recognize it anywhere. Dimitri mumbles something and Felix screams at him. I scream in kind, huddling into a ball beneath the innermost shelf. 

"Stop it!" Sylvain orders, trying and failing not to yell. I place my head between my knees. He lowers his voice enough to still be clear. "Can't you hear her? Like you haven't done enough to-  _ Felix! Be quiet, please!  _ Just all of you fucking stop.  _ Please. _ " 

Everything's quiet for a few seconds. He says "Good. I'm going to check on her. Please, for the love of  _ fuck,  _ don't trigger her any more. Okay? Try to give a shit.  _ Macuil. _ " Then all I hear are footsteps. That's all I focus on because I cannot stand the idea of listening to the others for insulting me- or worse, him. 

This was a bad idea from the start.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in love with their dynamic so Goddamn much <3

The mud room door opens. "It's just me," I hear Sylvain say. "Don't worry, Eddy." I'm too paralyzed with fear to respond so he takes the stairs down, spotting me hunched over in the corner, arms defensively wrapped around my knees, head ducked and barely looking up, trying to look like my tears dried on their own when I don't think they have at all. He shakes his head. "Oh, Eddy. I'm so sorry." Sensing that I am not about to move, he joins me under the first level of the shelf that is thankfully big enough for him to sit next to me, gingerly guiding me to rest on his shoulder. I wrap an arm around him before I start crying again, helpless but so grateful that someone I love is here. 

"Let it all out, honey." He rubs circles around the hypertension in my muscles, digging deep into especially tense spots "You're hurting so much." 

"I'm so sorry," I bawl. "I'm so sorry." 

"Don't be," he insists. "You didn't do anything wrong. I was scared too, telling yours. I hope I did okay." 

I nod. "You really got it, for as much as I give you. I'm just sorry I couldn't get through yours." 

"It's okay, baby. They just…" His head is in his hands which pull on the overflow of his hair. "They weren't considerate of us. Dimitri should have really known better. He doesn't know everything about me but he knows enough to know how fucking rude it is to make you responsible for my truth." He doesn't seem to know his voice is cracking. "That's a big fuck-you to us both." 

I hug him. "Just makes it look like we're both weak little bitches. And it sure makes me  _ feel  _ like one."

"You aren't," he insists. "He gave you far too big a task." He sighs. "He's like that too often. I, like… I won't get into details but he's suffered a lot. But he hasn't accepted that he needs help. That he endangers himself. And I think it's hard as hell to convince him that he doesn't know what's best for us."

He swallows. I sit up and pull him onto my shoulder. "I'm not sure if he sees me as a person worthy of his respect anymore," he admits slowly. "Not since I was the mess of a person that you found me in the middle of. He just let it happen. Not because he's heartless. But because he's  _ clueless  _ about how to deal with this." 

" _ Sothis. _ " I am very tired. I often am after a good cry. "It's… an experience, I suppose." My knees raise and I put my free hand over it. "I'll be honest- I really wish I was home." 

"You do," Sylvain states rather than asks, his weak smile almost as sad as his morose eyes. "Yeah, I don't blame you. Wish the roads weren't so unsafe so if you need that option, you could just take it." 

I tilt my head towards him. "I'd miss you, though." 

His grip on me dials up the tiniest bit. "I'd miss you too, but if you needed to sleep, I'd get it, you know? I'm so exhausted I could nap right here." 

He's laying on my shoulder. I blush and stiffen. He laughs, winking at me when I face him, and any tension I have melts. He's really turning on the charm- for my money, he's a far better flirt when he slips in little comments and winks like it's the most natural thing in the world to fluster me in particular. 

I feel like I need to tell him that I like that but this time I try to not be so awkward that I put it into words. Instead, my hand finds his hair and I stroke it gently. There's no way to take that spiky floppy mess and do anything with it, but I suppose that is part of its charm. A lot of things about Sylvain change. The hair does not. 

He leans his head into my hand like a cat craving a solid petting. I laugh, raising my hand higher. "Oh no you don't!" he says, rising higher to meet it. I am short, so I cannot raise it very far, but I am just as satisfied as I would be otherwise.

"Your hair is a mess," I tease.

"Excuse me," he corrects as we both lower. "My lion's mane!" 

"Sure, sure." I continue to stroke his hair. Admittedly, I love having some level of control over such a large, imposing man. He's a giant teddy bear, I know, but I'll take any victory I get. 

"If you don't mind me asking," I start. He looks over at me curiously. "Have you always had that hair?" 

"I mean, like…" He gesticulates while I stroke his current hair more. "It was always messy, but like, you could see a shape to it that had less than five sides. Nah, the first thing I did after I started, I cut it myself."

"Certainly looks like it." 

Sylvain laughs. "Yeah, but I like it." 

I continue to stroke it. "Me too." I swear Sylvain is purring. Something around him is pleasantly humming a single low note, and I doubt it's the antifreeze. 

He clears his throat, his voice getting darker as he says "As soon as I left the house, I started. Figured the best way to get all of them out of my life was to go incognito. So they'd never find me." 

I close my eyes but still pet him, if only to show that I'm not scared by him so easily, especially after earlier. "You think they will?" 

"Can't ever say never." He still leans on my shoulder and lets my hand stay in his hair. "If I fully wanted to never be seen by them I'd dye my hair and move a lot further from them than fuckin' Fhirdiad." 

I  _ ah.  _ "You didn't want fear to motivate you."

He snaps his fingers. "Exactly, Eddy. I was thinking 'even if they somehow find me I'm not gonna sacrifice my life because I'm afraid of them.' I mean, I was. You'd have to be crazy not to be." I understand. I'm afraid of Miklan and I saw his grave. "But I had three great friends and I had a good thing going in the Dukedom. I wasn't gonna piss that away. I know that's what they would want." 

I nod. "They have no right to control you. They lost that right when they did those things to you." 

Sylvain bows his head, hair leaving my grasp. "I mean, we know what  _ those things  _ are, Edelgard," he says, breath harsh. "It doesn't feel like anything actually happened if you just say 'those things'. It's nonspecific. It's a damn Hoobastank lyric, right? 'I never meant to do those things to you', does that include never owning up to…"

He's spiraling. I stroke his hair, my head resting on his shoulder, a silent call for him to return to now. He closes his eyes, opens them again, then looks at me. With a sigh: "But it's not like I can say them either. I said it aloud once and I cried the whole day away. If I say them aloud, then, you know… it's real. It's real and you have to face the fact that, holy shit… this really happened to me. When I realize that… it's gonna break me. And I don't want that." 

"Sylvain," I whisper, taking his hand. "That makes sense. I get it. I know… like, you know about the cuts and scars all over my stomach. And independently, I can say 'my parents abused me'. But I can't bring myself to connect the two even when the space between them gets so close I fear I'll have to." 

Sylvain nods. "That's… closer to the truth." He shakes his head. "I was tense- I'm sorry if I scared you any." He usually never apologizes for that nowadays. I just think about it. Where we are now. Where we were before. What could have made Sylvain feel the need to.

_ Oh. It wasn't even that long ago.  _ I remember the look of heartbreak- no, of failure- when I flinched from him just tonight. Sylvain tends to fear that he still looks like trouble. That he unnerves children, that he makes Felix threaten to fight him, that no one except Ingrid wants to be completely honest with him. 

I try to stop him from throwing those thoughts around. Sylvain is shaped like a friend, despite his size. With how naturally charming and dedicated he is, I can't really imagine why anyone would be afraid of him at first glance, even as tall and imposing as he is. 

Then I remember how  _ I  _ reacted to him, and though I think there's an explanation for it, I don't know if it matters. I don't want to leave that to be the last image that he remembers that situation for. 

"I didn't mean to make you feel bad about yourself," I tell him. "Don't say anything, Sylvain. I know I did." Sylvain puts his hands up, looking intrigued. "I…" 

I  _ what?  _ I can't promise not to do it again;  _ I can't control it.  _ There will be times where Sylvain and I argue and he  _ can  _ scare me because of my shitty trauma. I just hate how he thinks he's done wrong for arguing with me like his viewpoint shouldn't matter. That to pacify me you have to give me the moral high ground.

I bite the bullet.

"There are parts of me that I struggle to control," I admit. "Having a traumatic reaction when men get angry is one, and I've never been able to control it." 

"Edelgard, I just need to know." Sylvain takes a deep breath. His clenched fist speaks a beg, not a demand. "Are you honestly… scared of me?" 

I start to shake my head, but I realize that's a lie. Sort of. I'm not scared of heights as a concept but I will likely scream if we suddenly skydive. "I'm afraid of things. Feel em, see em. I'm afraid of loud noises, of yelling, of angry people glaring at you. Of sudden movement. The feeling of being trapped. I'm not scared of you. But sometimes you do things that are scary, and I can't help it. And sometimes they're things you can't help either, so there's no easy answer." 

"If there's one thing in life that I've never seen, it's an easy answer." 

I hold him closer. Neither of us are in a state to care too much. "I feel bad, though. You're a very lovely person. You don't deserve someone who has a little bit of fear for her safety around you."

"Hey." 

Sylvain cracks a smile, even as stern as his tone was. He puts his hand back over my shoulder and says "I'll be the one to decide what I need, Eddy." 

I blush in a way that I can only hide by burrowing into his neck. "I'll concede that. Just make sure you're making the choice best for you, okay?" 

He nods. "Can do, Eddy." 

"I'm sorry about the fight outside earlier." It just felt like something I needed to say. 

"Me too. But I'm good at learning from my own mistakes, right?" 

I smirk. "With a little help." 

It's Sylvain's turn to run his hands through my hair. I do so love my hair and take excellent care of it, but I can't say I mind. I wonder how it feels to Sylvain's hands. Seeing how lost he gets, I lay on his shoulder much the same. I don't fall asleep, but the rhythm, the quiet, the hand in my hair and the resting place for my head… it feels right. It feels so right. I lose myself in it, but I feel like I could spend years right here. 

"Let's move here," I mumble. 

Sylvain chuckles, patting my knee. I've never met someone with such reliance on touch, friend or lover. "You got the right idea, Eddy. Just… spend our lives together in this dusty-ass cold as fuck garage." 

" _ You're  _ warm," I protest. 

"Aw, shit, I just remembered that you were goddamn freezing earlier." He gives an impressive sigh. "I really better be warm." 

"I'll say you are so I can cling to you longer." 

He doesn't miss a step. "Well, then it'll just be weird when I show up on the main floor with an icicle made out of my favorite girl." 

I, on the other hand, miss several steps. I just accept that I will be embarrassed and lean into him. "I just wanted to have a little fun," I choke out. 

"Aww." Sylvain pats me on the head like a goddamn child. 

"You're lucky you're cute enough that I will allow that." 

He just smiles, fingers moving through my hair. We stay like this for a few minutes. It's cold as hell with the lack of insulation in here, and I don't know how he does it. He credits it to being near Sreng, which is as cold as it gets. Still, after a life of cold- in so many ways- he deserves to be warm. So I hold him, like he holds me. I'm apparently made of ice, but maybe I help.

Eventually Sylvain looks at me. "We really should go upstairs. I'm not gonna be responsible for my guest getting hypothermia." 

"Aww." I get up. "If I want to freeze to death, that's my decision." 

He crawls out from underneath the shelf. "Yeah, but I'd seriously look like a geed if I had the only dead partner." 

_ He means it as friends,  _ I tell myself.  _ His partner-in-crime.  _ I just smirk (let's be real, I probably smiled) and take his arm as he leads me out.

As he opens the mud room door, he says "I'm glad you're cheering up." 

"Course I am." I don't let go of his arm. "I'm with you." 

He sputters a little. Maneuvering around the cooler, he says "Well, damn. Whoever this Sylvain dude is, he sounds pretty cool."

"He's okay," I joke, so in love I'm amazed he hasn't caught on. Goddess bless the himbo, I suppose. 

We reach the living room. Only Felix and Yuri remain, half-asleep on the recliner. I smile, then it disappears. I wonder where everyone else is. Surely after that whole stink about the game, people went their own ways. We won't find out until later, I guess. Maybe they just went upstairs to fuck, but I'm not gonna think about that. (If I ever again think of Dorothea in such a way, I pray to the Goddess that I am lobotomized.) 

Sylvain pulls about six of the discarded blankets together to my spot on the couch. Four go on one side, two to the angle. "Hop on," he says, gesturing to the side with four. I'm a little bit blissed out so I don't even pretend to argue with him, lying down. He tucks me in, and by the time I figure out  _ wait, I thought he was gonna lay here with me somehow,  _ he and his two blankets flop on the side away from me. 

"Huh?" 

Sylvain looks down, straight across from my head. "I don't know if I said this enough, but I'm really fucking worried that you froze yourself. I want you to get warmed up in these blankets, okay?" 

I chuckle. "I suppose I can do my best. Thank you so much, by the way. I keep not feeling how cold it is, but that's because I'm pretty sure my pills give me hot flashes."

Sylvain laughs. It's  _ close,  _ but novel, so I excuse the loudness. "Oh, mine too. They're the absolute worst. I just try and overcompensate in wintertime by wearing heavier items than I think I need." 

I smirk up at him. "And by summertime, you wear less than the average attire." 

He laughs. "Something like that. Been a little less slutty, though. Just the moderate amount."

_ "The moderate amount, _ " I repeat, soul seeking with my deities for logic and understanding. 

He laughs. "See? It's not a crazy idea! Besides, I've tried to tone it down." 

I'm the type to sigh and breathe deeply when I hear something incredibly progressively ridiculous. Not that he didn't tone it down- it was just on his own terms. That's the thing I thought he knew about me. "You seem to think that my problem is about how many people you slept with and not how you treated them before, especially women."

He scratches behind his neck. "I, ah, never really knew. I thought it was a package deal. Like, that I took the opportunity to sleep with a lot of people who will think I'm an asshole after. Like, I'm not even a normal slut, I'm the kind of slutty man that gets women to wonder if they're gay."

I have to parse his words out to understand him. "Wow, okay, I hope even I'm never that harsh to you, Sylvain!  _ Seiros! _ **"**

Sylvain cackles. "Well, now I'm doing better, dollface, I can tell you that." I roll my eyes and give into a steamy smile at how he still manages to be seductive in the form of a drive-by teasing. He laughs and holds my hand before saying "Nah, I mean more like, thanks for helping me to get it. To understand what I was doing, who I was… it shouldn't be what I am doing or who I am now."

"I'm glad," I admit. "You've really done some work around yourself. But honestly, I was a little relieved that he's partially still like, slutty old Sylvain, just a good dude and doing it safely. Like, I'd never tell him to join a convent. I just wanted him to be better at how he treated them, I guess. He had a really great heart. He needed to stop using it to hurt others and, consequently, himself." 

Sylvain sniffles. "That's actually really sweet. Like…" He clears his throat and admits "I'm not sure if he ever expected someone to be as kind as one Edelgard Hresvelg." 

I giggle. "Is that what you call it?  _ Kind _ ?" 

Sylvain shrugs. "Well… something you did for me just hit me, you know? And you can't argue your way out of it, Eddy. I mean, like…" I wait for an answer but it never comes. Not immediately. I lift up and look over him, concern growing to astonishment when I see him blushing, trying to look down, his smile shaking. "Look," he frets. "I feel a little silly." 

"I'm always silly," I compromise. "But this is beyond me."

"I know," he complains. "I can't explain this shit. Just… I'm really happy with how, like… everything went. And I'm super sorry I wasted your time." 

I feel a little embarrassed for him. A facet of his personality is that he's often honest, charismatic, or vulnerable when he and I talk. Sylvain never has an off switch. Now, though, he's trying his damndest to fight through something. It unnerves me to see him panic. 

"Is everything okay?" I ask. "Like, for real." 

Sylvain nods, clammy. "Think so, just that everything feels like…" He puts his hand up. "Weird. I don't know why it is." 

"Weird how?" I question slowly.

"I'm not sure. The world feels normal. But I can't explain it. I'm just like… visiting." 

"Here, but not here." I place my hand on his arm. "Do you think it's not a med thing?"

"Could be," he admits. "I get a little hazy taking my whole, like, emergency anti-anxiety, and I may have popped one after the whole get to know you fiasco." 

"I  _ think  _ it's a med thing, Sylvain." 

He chuckles. "Yeah, once I started saying it aloud I was like 'ohh'." I chuckle lowly. "But, I mean, I also don't think that covers all of it." 

"Could just be because things have been kinda weird. I mean, you and I  _ did  _ just kick it below the garage shelves for like a half hour." 

"That was nice." 

I smile just remembering it. "Yeah. It was." Clearing my throat: "You can just try and sleep it off. Or if you can't sleep, just doze off. That's what I do when I'm out of it. Like force restarting a computer." 

"That's a nice idea," Sylvain responds. "Usually I'm more active trying to snap myself awake." 

I reach above him for his hand. He gives it to me, and I squeeze it. "This is more of a doze-off time of day than a jog-a-marathon day." I motion to Felix and Yuri. "That's what those two are doing, at least." 

"True there." Sylvain yawns. "I'll give it a try. You staying here?" 

"Looks like it." 

"Good." 

He manages to drift off about as quick as I anticipated. I smile and let him, our heads so close that I can hear how his breath laxes. I smile and lean up enough to put one of my blankets sloppily over the two. Now we both have three, and I swear he sighs at it in his sleep before he steadies. It calms me into a similar lull, almost taking me completely before my phone vibrates, and all that hard work to relax is reversed in a moment. 

I pick it up huffily, turning onto my side. It's Dimitri having texted me. I can't read it right away, not without taking a deep breath and counting to three. 

_ Edelgard- I want to make sure you know that nothing was done with ill intent. I've struggled with my own demons in the past and the problem is that I assume that others feel how I do about mine. So I didn't think about yours and I'm sorry. _

I'm glad he apologized, but it still doesn't feel personal enough to make a conversation out of.  _ You're forgiven. Thank you.  _

I set my phone down until it buzzes it again. Well, I'll give Dimitri this: he's very quick to the draw.  _ Can I tell you something? _

I close my eyes. I really just want to not talk about anything super harmful or heavy.  _ Perhaps tomorrow? I'd like to take it easy for the night and just sleep with Sylvain.  _

I put my phone away. It's not until he texts back that I realize what I've intimated, and I remember that he is, unfortunately,  _ very  _ gullible.

_ I'm not sure why you told me that.  _

_ Besides he's quite... easy. I honestly thought you two had that relationship casually.  _

I blush. Yep. He did take it the wrong way. Furthermore, he did not stop there. I quite did not need nor fancy his thoughts on the manner. I'm so glad that everyone is asleep, Sylvain especially. 

I hear a faint  _ you're useless, Didi,  _ and quickly after I get a text from Dimitri's phone. 

_ sry didi is such an idiot -hapi _

_ ill tell him what u meant  _

I sigh in relief. 

_ Thank the gods for you, Hapi. I was just sleeping next to him, but I said it quite incorrectly. _

_ mean to be fair thats still nearing fuck territory but hey get that boi pussy _

I am slightly nauseous. I mean, it's not like I'm  _ not _ trying to near that territory, but… I think I hate these people.

_ Tell Dimitri I am never picking up my fucking phone again.  _

_ will do sis lol _

I place it on the table, then push it away from me. I wait for the screen to go black and, having successfully locked it, lie my head next to Sylvain's. He breathes deeply when he sleeps, and right now is no exception. I feel like I should not know it as intimately as I do, but we already knew I was a fool for him. Everyone does. I didn't exactly make it hard to guess.

And I honestly couldn't care less. This is… fun. 

I never fall asleep, waking him up shortly after I hear some footsteps. "People are coming," I tell him as he stirs, sitting up. 

His eyes are narrow. "I hear that, Ed," he says in the most husky, dark voice my virgin ears have ever heard. I'm not sure I can hide my expression so I turn away, muttering some affirmation. He sits up, crossing his legs and stretching and I can only look at him for a few seconds, and several may have been with a particular lascivious grin.

I've grappled with what my attraction to men would even look like, I realized that a lot of things Sylvain does entirely by accident would fit that. But is that a Sylvain thing or a male thing? Who's to say. I'm not thinking about much of anything, certainly, when I back into Sylvain from the other side of the corner, head in the gap his body leaves. I just know that when I first acknowledged that I found men attractive, the things I liked were all things he had. Funny how life works.

Dimitri and Hapi are first down, taking Felix and Yuri's former seats. Hapi hands me my phone with a smirk. I flip her off as I take it from her. She just shrugs, but when she thinks I'm not looking, she giggles silently. 

I kind of hope Dimitri stays with her. 

Ingrid and Dorothea eventually join us. By then, the fire is dying out and Dimitri gets up to work on it, Hapi quite content to take up both spots. Sylvain finally notices the third blanket with a smile. "Couldn't leave well enough alone, huh?" 

"I've never been good at that, no."

Sylvain hums before carefully turning me so I am parallel to him, then holding me close to him. He smells… not necessarily good or bad, more like the exact way to make me think that maybe Hapi was onto something regarding what I wanted.

Not that I'll ever tell her.

It's quiet for a few minutes, Yuri stirring with their arms still around Felix. I can hear mute conversation between Ingrid and Dorothea, just not the words, which I suppose is reasonable enough. Dimitri gets the fire working and I just now realize it's cold here when it's barely warmer. I turn to Sylvain and joke "It's getting so cold my hot flashes are going away." 

He chuckles. "Well, that sucks that you no longer have that massive advantage." 

"I will take your third blanket back," I threaten. Even when I don't mean it, it's nice to royally fuck with him, or at least try. 

He grins. "I'll behave, Eddy."

Is he intentionally trying to rile my loins and I up? I just blush again, an exaggerated scowl on my face. If I blow off any smoke, it's because several parts of me are on fire thanks to him.  _ When did I  _ get  _ like this?  _

"Uhm, yuh- you better," is my comically witless retort. Sylvain winks just as comically, only it's hot and I'm  _ incredibly  _ bothered. To distract from it all, I say "I hope we do something today. Lord knows we need a lot done before we sleep." 

Dimitri takes a seat. "Perhaps so. We need to at the very least relight many candles that went out. I also worry about the refrigerator and freezer things; are they going to go bad? I think the rest of it is just, like, setting up the rooms. I have a few portable heaters; they'll try to make things more tolerable. It's getting near a reasonable time to sleep, so you'd do well to stay there." 

All of us look around at each other. Ingrid is the first to look at her phone. "At nine-thirty?" She scowls. "Dimitri, I went over this. Do I need to make you a flow chart?" 

He scratches his neck. "Ah, I mean, yes. I'd assumed it was later than that." Putting his arm around Hapi, he adds "It makes me antsy, to tell you the truth, but what can you do to relieve stress at a time like this?"

"The, uh, fact that you went and held me when you said that is sus as fuck." Still, Hapi makes up for losing a seat by placing a leg over Dimitri's. 

Dimitri blushes. "Rest assured, I'd never say something like that publicly." Sylvain and I exchange a look, both holding in laughter. 

Hapi sighs massively. "Didi, honey, stop talking."

Dorothea is the next to speak up. "Aw, I feel like we still have some gas in the tank! Or, at the very least, we should probably keep it going for a little longer before we run through the chores again and call it a night." 

Just to cut off any discussion, I add "I'd do that, so long as there's nothing horrifyingly revealing to parse through." 

"Of course," Dimitri reassures me. "It should be nothing like last time." 

Hapi shoves him lightly. "Sure went from 'we have work to do' to 'I will set these limitations for a proper messing about' really quick, Didi."

Dimitri blushes. "I mean, I'd still like a little of it done. I just find playing a more inclusive game to be of more importance. I don't want to see anybody hurt like so many were last time." 

I smile slightly, still not sure if tension poisons the air from earlier. Felix is stirring, and Yuri (who I bet was in another room during the fight and has the least to do with it) says "We'll behave, Dimitri." 

"Don't  _ trust _ him, Didi."

Dimitri smiles wryly. "As questionable as it is, if anyone has a good idea, I'll be happy to accommodate! I've still got things to set up, but I'm sure the rest of you will find a way to have some fun." 

Dorothea smirks. "Oh, don't worry, Dima. I promise we will."

Sylvain and I exchange looks and he grins. "About time this place looked alive, God  _ damn. _ " 

"I can't deny that I like it." I look at him with an attempt at a sharp smile. "I just don't want to be embarrassed or embarrassing."

Sylvain elbows me. "Aw, come on, Eddy. Just gonna have a little fun." 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah. That rating and warnings are no joke. It'll be a few chapters before it gets to CW territory but... it's going to be a hard road. I just think back to what I meant to communicate with all my work, and that is that people we see as broken often still deserve love and happy endings.

It is embarrassing. I am embarrassed. I was from the moment Dorothea, the self-assumed leader, asked "so, y'all ever been to a sleepover?" I do my best to keep my mouth shut so I don't admit I haven't. Raising his hand, Sylvain chuckles with an amused look on his face. I groan, affectionately rolling my eyes. I'm a virgin, but between us, we've probably nailed on average a hundred people.  ~~ Of course, this just means that should we get together, he has a mountain of know-how  ~~ _ no stop that Edelgard. _

Dorothea gets past the people who seem indecisive; that is, Felix and I. "Okay, so I have the world's simplest little games in mind, the type you usually play there."

"When we were sixteen," Sylvain fires back with a laugh. 

"True," is the response. "Except now we're all in our twenties." Dorothea sits back, arm coolly around Ingrid. "We're all a ton more mature now." 

I quit Would You Rather by the fourth question. After that, Dimitri requests help and it's as good an excuse as any because apparently everyone decided being brutal and cutthroat was just naturally how you play that game. Sylvain offers to assist in record time. Felix is too occupied near-sleeping next to Yuri and my leg is still messed up. 

I offer to help because like… that, but it's clear that I am not in the shape to run around rooms/help carry things and am told to stay in. "Look, we're not turning you down because we think you'll be weak. We're turning you down because I know you'll be weak."

I nurse my ankle with an evil smile of maximum prejudice. "You abandoned me," I hiss. "You will not be forgiven." 

Ingrid walks to get me, holding her arm out for me. "Whenever you're ready, sweetie." 

I look back at him. "I'm going back with my  _ new  _ best friend." Ingrid flushes, looking back at me. 

" _ You'll be sorry you ever abandoned me, Eddddddddd _ !" Sylvain yells with maximum cheese factor, scaring poor Ingrid to death.

"Oh my God, you both are  _ lame! _ " Ingrid says this like a God-shattering revelation. 

I start giggling like a dipshit and swat at him to leave the house. I laugh when he leaves and when the door is shut, I blow a kiss at him. 

Then I turn around and remember that Ingrid went to get me. I nearly fall on my other knee before getting over the shock and saying a cool and collected " _ Ohhey _ **_Ingrid!!_ ** "

Ingrid looks back at me with a different sort of confusion. "Ya know… I'm honestly surprised!" A geeky smile appears on her face. "But I'm glad, you know? He's grown up and you seem right for him." 

I blush, looking at my feet until I grab her arm. Carefully, she starts to walk me through the kitchen. "Hope he isn't a bother, though. Like, a legit bother." 

I shake my head. "He's been really cool for the last three years or so. Probably shouldn't have taken me so long to fall but, you know how anti-repressive repression works." 

"Oof. Yeah, I've had repression both for and against being gay, but seeing as I live with three hot guys and feel nothing at all, think my mind's made up." 

I snort. "I knew I was bisexual when I fell for  _ that  _ guy." 

Ingrid giggles. There's a smile there. "Aww, that's actually really sweet. I'm happy for him." 

"I'm glad someone else speaks Loving Mockery." 

With a guilty giggle: "Yeah, ya become fluent in a place like this."

We've been sitting on the couch for a minute now, not that I've paid attention. "All depends on whether or not he reciprocates. I'd like to think I'm not dramatic about it but…" My hands shake in the air. "I'm at the point where it would break my heart if he were to turn me down, which isn't fair to him." 

Ingrid nods. "Yeah, that makes sense. I dunno, though. He doesn't talk about if he's into anyone, but dude was all over you tonight. And not in the gross way that he used to be. You two cuddled when you were  _ angry."  _

I snort. "Well, when you put it like that… but you know how it is when you love someone." 

Ingrid looks at Dorothea for a second. She's bantering with Yuri about whether he would prefer to eat human meat or drink human blood. It's a lively debate, made livelier by Yuri's casual "I've never tried it. Could be a delicacy for all I know." When Dorothea quite dramatically grabs her cheeks and gasps, Ingrid snickers, leaning her blushing cheek on her hand. 

"Yeah. Something like that." 

The great human meat debacle ends Would You Rather. Truth or Dare also doesn't get very far in a house with no electricity, everyone essentially coupled up and at least one girl not enthusiastic about telling the truth and able to say no because there's little to do for dates around here, aha. Though she does get dared to eat some lunch meat out of the package in the cooler.

She definitely underestimated how much of a punishment that was.

"I, like… literally didn't know it had expired that long ago," Ingrid defends like that'll make my ghost haunt her less. 

Dimitri and Sylvain have been going back and forth throughout both games, setting things up while in full winter gear. I see heaters and lanterns carried up, absently wondering why they're taking the heaters first instead of the thing that helps them see. The sound of a full impact and Sylvain cursing agrees with that sentiment and makes me giggle. Sitting next to me, Hapi gives me a look that I can only describe as  _ The Look,  _ but oh well, I'm sure everyone has an inkling. 

Dorothea finally suggests  _ Never Have I Ever.  _ I can't hold back and snap "When I woke up, I didn't expect to be fifteen years old again." 

She rolls her eyes. "Okay, Goody Two-Shoes," she says like wearing one shoe makes more sense. "These were the best I could come up with." 

I crinkle my nose. "Well, I've already humiliated myself with the lunch meat. I suppose I've not much left for dignity." 

"That's the spirit," Hapi cheers joylessly.

Mercifully, everyone around the room asks rather than just leaving it in the hands of 24 Going On 16. 

Felix refuses to go so Yuri starts the new rounds off. It seems like they use their time to go for some quite uncanny questions that no one admits to- or could, really. "Never have I ever broken into a museum past closing hours." "Never have I taken up multiple seats in a movie theater." "Never have I ever drank three two-liters in a day." 

Ingrid reluctantly raises her hand at that. "Dorothea lives in the hottest city known to humankind. It felt like I was actually dying." 

Dorothea nods. "Poor babe." 

Across from them Hapi says "You know, you gotta pick things you haven't done before."

Yuri looks thoughtful. "Really? Well, I'll be damned." 

Hapi takes this to its natural conclusion by trying really hard to embarrass us. Scratch that; I  _ don't  _ think she's trying too hard. I think trying to get us to humiliate ourselves is as natural to her as breathing. We all make a silent agreement not to answer questions about getting lost in a mall, getting so drunk you vomit, and defecating oneself. Yuri does, raising their hand before she even asks. When Hapi catches him, she scowls. "Get screwed," she tells them. 

"Don't tell me what to do, lady." 

Ingrid's I make a mental note to zone out of because they're about doing stuff outdoors and Edelgard Hresvelg is an inside cat. I do see Dorothea cheerfully raise her hand at some of them which lets me know how their dates go.

Mine are generally quite painfully boring; ironic given that the things I've never done are the actually interesting things. I suppose it's because I'm actually interested in these people and their lives. An anomaly, true, but I must. 

_ Never have I ever been to a concert _ gets no one. "I've been  _ in  _ concerts," Dorothea brags.

"This isn't  _ about _ ones you've been in," I fire back petulantly.

Dorothea giggles. "I'll give you that." She still doesn't raise her hand. 

I realize that I'm going to have to go a little out there to connect with these people. "Never have I ever drank until I blacked out." At this, Yuri, Felix, and Dorothea raise their hands. 

"Thought I'd try it once," Hapi says like it's a new food. "Ugh. Don't recommend it Yuri-Bird, Fee-Fi. Overrated as fuck." 

Felix can't help but smirk. "Now I wish Dimitri were here." 

"Look, it was my twenty-first," Ingrid says when questioned. "If my twenty-first can't be a cheat day, what will?" When Dorothea giggles, she adds "Shut it, babe." 

Dorothea does her thing of asking questions made to trip us up. "Never have I ever skinny dipped." It takes me a second to get what that means and keep my hand down with Hapi and Yuri, even Felix exhaustedly raising his. 

Dorothea looks at the _ no _ s- specifically me- with a cheeky grin but says nothing. Her eyebrows raise when she says "Never have I ever gone home with a stranger."

I again keep my hand down, smirking. Hapi does the same. Dorothea looks over at Hapi with a nod, then at me with a quizzical look. "You  _ do  _ know what I meant, right?" 

I blush for the hundredth time due to Dorothea. "I am very well aware, yes."

She whistles. "Okay." 

Dimitri sidles in next to Hapi by the time Dorothea asks her third question. "Sylvain will be here shortly," he says, and I could curse myself with how happy I get.

When Dorthea gets to her third question, she says "I've never downloaded an app to hook up for a n- okay, Edie, I  _ know  _ you're lying!" She can't stop cackling, so much that a concerned Ingrid props her up. 

I finally raise my hand. "Caught me," I admit. 

"I had suspicions last round, right around the time I thought 'damn, Edie! You get it!'"

I just snicker to myself. "Look, I miss my Sylvie, all right? I'm answering your questions on his behalf!" Dorothea laughs again and Dimitri chuckles his charming laugh. In fact, everyone chuckles, including Felix. 

Ingrid smirks at me. "Bold words for someone who wants to-  _ hi, Sylvain _ !" 

My knight in shining armor walks into the living room to save me from the horrors of being known. Through the natural dimming candlelight, he has never looked so dashing. Genuinely dashing. That's not my bias speaking. I'd double-take this redhead if I saw them in… like, a place where you, like, do things. Even if I thought I was gay. 

Sylvain sits next to me. My tiny legs go in his lap. It feels like this is the first time we've all been together, so maybe I shouldn't be so forward, but I'm cold as ice, my ankle hurts, and I haven't eaten since breakfast save for some rancid lunchmeat. With that in mind, I will indulge myself all I want.

Besides, I love it here. The music is playing something surprisingly chill and dorky. Over time, it will become something relaxing and drowsy over guitar, a song that feels like a hipster house party. All eight of us are in each other's company, falling together so easily that it's amazing that it took so long. Even  _ Felix  _ is smiling. I really appreciate moments where I feel like I'm natural, like I belong there. I haven't felt very important to anyone since Sylvain and I became the type of friends who will one day die as a part of their partner's heart entirely.

He sits next to me as I stay lying down, stretching my leg. "Sylvie?" he jokes, but he's blushing ear to ear. 

"What?" I rest against one of his abs. He's a softie but he still has a couple. "You get to call me Eddy and Ed but Sylvie's such a deal?"

Sylvain just chuckles. "Don't ever change, Ed." 

Yuri's question about going up an escalator backwards gets most of the vets to roll their eyes, too hopelessly charmed by them to be mad. Dimitri is the only one to take it seriously, saying "I'm far too cautious with my height and coordination to risk it on that." 

Ingrid holds up a finger. "Uhm, Dimi-" 

Sylvain is first to laugh. "Dude, do you need the brain cell back?" 

Hapi shrugs. "Yeah, I mean, backwards up an escalator  _ could  _ be fun, but it's not like a weird doofus thing where I can consciously be like 'oh, now's the time.'" 

"Those two could be related," Sylvain jokes at me. 

"I think it was sweet," I say. "She made sure neither were just left out or mocked." 

"Hah, their love language is covering each other's asses." Still, his distant smile is adorable. 

Hapi goes to ask. "Since my prior questions were all exceedingly annoying, I'll just say _Never have I ever_ _touched the ceiling before._ Didi, you're welcome. Eddy, sorry." 

"I'm not even in a position where I can lie," I sigh, liking it better when we ignored her.

Didi chuckles. "Honestly, I'm likely to touch it unintentionally." 

Sylvain laughs. "Sometimes I just do it for laughs. Like, haha, fuckers! Genetics!" 

I grin. "Yeah, we'd best thank our lucky stars for our heights."

"Like you wouldn't be cute at six foot two." He just  _ says this shit  _ like nothing's up,  _ what the fuck?  _ Ingrid tries to hide a giggle but Dorothea can't, bending over the couch arm and cackling just after seeing how quickly I blush. 

I try to hide my bedroom eyes, which he activates way too easily. "I mean, like… maybe? But not nearly as dainty." 

"Or as adorable when angry." 

I shove him. "Just for that, you can go first." 

As Sylvain thinks, I see Dimitri and Hapi talking. She says something like  _ I've literally never been so baffled and I'm bi too.  _ His response is just a shrug. 

Before I can actually start a holy war on behalf of my dignity, Sylvain says "Okay, I've got one." I turn towards him. He smiles at me, but it's a little tweaked. In an astonishingly soft voice, he says "Uh, uhm… hell. Never have I ever been with someone for more than two weeks." 

I look at him for a moment. "Oh," I say, a smile in my confused voice. When I think about it, I'm not too surprised. He never said it outright but nobody he saw ever stayed. No- often, he never stayed with  _ them.  _ Sometimes Sylvain would say he decided, but hearing him talk about it, I know he intentionally provoked most times he was dumped. I used to be afraid of it, afraid to make a connection, but then accompanying it was sadness. Sadness that Sylvain sabotaged himself. That he makes fun of himself for his flaws and promiscuity and I never questioned it before. That he seems to think he doesn't deserve better. 

I love Sylvain. I want to love him. But if it isn't to be, I want him to know that deserves to be valued. To truly love. I just want him to do that, at least. I think that would be worth going to his wedding over. To leave every adventure in life without falling in love. I just love him far beyond the pale, in ways that I know are illogical but I can't stop. 

I raise my hand, face warming. "Think the whole world guessed," I say, voice shaking just barely. 

Yuri doesn't raise his hand. Pointing to Hapi: "we dated a bit in high school but it was clearly a reservation thing for a real partner." With a chuckle: "she dumped me after she found out I was only into men, which like, I'm not sure if I should have been offended or not." 

"Absolutely should have, you queer bitch," Hapi says dryly. "Anyway, uhm-" she shows off her engagement ring. "Yeah, been committed for a bit." I hadn't seen it yet, so I squee only loud enough for Sylvain to hear. He laughs and grabs me by the stomach, mussing up my hair. 

Dimitri holds a finger up. "Wait, Sylvain? I'm confused. Do we-" Ingrid realizes, her smile fleeing the scene so hard that she looks like she was born eating a lemon. "-include the ones we're with?" 

Sylvain shrugs. "Let's make it so you have to answer. Before that one." Ingrid groans. 

Dimitri smiles. "Thank you! Ah, I'd tried a few relationships before. With varied genders, really. I felt pressured to try and make it last to keep up appearances. As known as I was, it always became the talk of the scene if a relationship failed, unfortunately." 

Hapi smirks, again showing her ring finger. "I'm the reason why that ended." It's cute, but Dimitri getting so flustered that he hides his face steals the scene. "For the record, I wish I decked everyone talking shit about you." 

Dimitri chuckles. "Rather than just a few?"

Felix doesn't hold his hand up. "Hadn't really considered it until now." Yuri nuzzles into their chin. For the first time, he closes his eyes and smiles, like this is also the first time he wasn't scared of how others would react.

Dorothea shakes her head. "I have. Not  _ good  _ ones, mind, but those colossal wastes of time...yeah, they definitely existed." 

Ingrid finally raises her hand. "Go ahead and laugh." 

Sylvain looks surprised. "Huh? You're-" He goes white. "I totally wasn't thinking of that." 

Ingrid chuckles. "I know. It's just a little embarrassing." 

"It's not embarrassing, Ingrid." Dorothea's real concern is as understated as her stage concern is overstated. "It takes time sometimes." 

"True," she admits. "I dunno. It's just embarrassing to me. Reminds me of just how wrong being straight was. How long it took me to figure myself out. It, ah… it's a mess. A big homosexual mess."

"It's perfectly fine, Ingrid," Dimitri tells her. "The parts of you that you don't like still help shape one of my best friends."

Ingrid beams despite herself. "I, ah, thank you, Dima. That means a lot to me." 

Sylvain laughs. "You just make me think between you and me there's a quasi-normal person."

Ingrid looks at him, a little forlorn. "I mean, maybe. I make fun of you a lot, but also, like, you're so much better at feeling shameless that I had to learn a thing or two just to let go." Looking down: "Sorry I always treated you like that, dude." 

"Hey, I don't mind your teasing me with it. Or Eddy. Just so long as I know you don't mean it anymore." 

Ingrid just smiles. "Yeah, that makes sense." 

I'm not sure how I feel about him and if I've hurt him- I find a lot of my teasing to be a deflection from how I feel about him, but when we tease we're like the clear will-they-won't-they partners from every police procedural, down to the prim emotionless professional woman and the roguish yet pervasively attractive man… 

Ah, there's a reason no one's subtle about my feelings. I'm amazed Sylvain doesn't seem to notice, but maybe he likes me too. Maybe he's just shy too. More than anything, though, I hope he can believe the nagging in his head. Believe that he is good enough. That I never meant to make him feel otherwise. 

It's my turn. Still in Sylvain's arms, I take a bit to think. Then I feel his arm against my stomach, the other aligned with my hip. I feel warmth, inside and out, like he's smiling that soft way he does that makes me feel special. How often I feel his eyes drift to comfort me while I hear him banter with a friend. 

I have said it before, but I truly mean that I love him. How tired I am of this feeling- one of such desperation, anxiety, risk- but I suppose one can only pray away such distractions. I suppose that, for now, will wait.

I raise my hand, stopping the roar in my head and simply feel his eyes on my back until I am able to speak. I release all fear and leave my body.

"Okay. Never have I ever kissed someone bef-"

I look around the room, counting them and then myself. "Wait, gimme a bit, I-" With a single sharp breath, I reach up and grab Sylvain's chin, treasuring how his face goes from cocky to floored. I treasure the power that I have. 

"May I?" I whisper. He just nods desperately, eyes heated more than mine. 

I close my eyes and kiss him. This is too perfect. Not the kiss, necessarily, since it  _ is  _ my first- I'll spare you details of the teeth and the single cough. No, it's how he turns his head with me, holds my hips and hisses a few near-silent moans that even he seems surprised by (Just for me? Can't a girl dream?) I smell sandalwood on his body, but I can't tell if it's cosmetic or if it's something naturally similar, just that it's threatening to drive me wild, and I'd imagine he's currently already good-looking enough. I can feel the way my hands grasp against his shirt and know that I'm already starting to get way into it. I let him go before my embarrassment becomes public knowledge. 

" _ Damn _ ," is all he says. I hear him attempt to play it off but I know how he said it- so interested in the kiss, the legs, the hands at the buttons of the collar. I feel my face. How was my body  _ ever  _ cold? My goddess, he really  _ did _ find a way to warm me.

That's to say nothing of everyone else. Felix and Yuri exchange a look I can't quite ascertain. Since Yuri sends the same look to tactical flop Hapi, I decide not to declare it an enemy. Dimitri smiles as best as he can after watching his sister nearly debauch herself- not much, but he's trying. It's Dorothea and Ingrid who are happiest, clapping and cheering, Dorothea even crying a little. I've never seen someone with more pride in me than her. 

I finally remember. "Sorry! Let me, uhm-" I dust myself off. "Gotta think up a new question." 

Ingrid laughs. "Of course you do!" 

"We'd have gotten the point if you just kissed him and not dry-humped him on the couch," Hapi fires. Though he cringes at her words, I get the sense that Dimitri agrees.

"I'm thinking!" I cut her off, quite hyperactive. I do my absolute most halfhearted attempt to think of a new question as my mind just reminds me of finishing and sitting back next to Sylvain, waiting to see him grin or react otherwise. 

I spit out "Uh never have I ever… gotten lost in a big city? Sure, whatever." 

"Don't be a stranger!" Ingrid teases. 

In full opera force, Dorothea sings "there she goes, there she goes again…"

I'm under Sylvain's face again; I look this time. He blushes so deeply, as if never expected to be loved. The lion nestles his mane onto my head, holding me close. He doesn't have to say anything at all to feel like one to me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm replaying 3H and it's crazy how much charisma and honesty Sylvain has when he's not Being That Guy, and it's sweet to see him so flustered when talking to someone he likes. I really tried to capitalize on that.

When we all part to sleep, the clock strikes one in the morning. I'm sad to see everybody go. I know we will be back in the morning, and I didn't expect so many to be kind to me, but that just makes it harder. 

I turn to Sylvain as we get up. "If I start crying, hide me." 

He beams, still hilariously shocked. "You'll be fine," he reassures me. With a wink- "I promise!"  _ Nice try, Sylvain- you definitely blush as deeply as I am. _

"Good night, everyone!" Dimitri says, Hapi just behind. Felix and Yuri follow, Felix still quite peacefully exhausted and holding onto their neck. Dorothea and Ingrid have spent a few minutes and a lot of energy (and assistance from the boys) pushing the two halves of the couch together, the coffee table pushed far away. It's a neat little boat and intensely tight quarters- which I think that knew. Might have been why they stayed downstairs. 

I look at Sylvain with a tempting smile. "Well, no one's getting closer to each other than they are tonight." 

All he has to do is look at me and I'm giggling, trying to hide my face as the other couples go upstairs. 

He just laughs a little as well. "Guess we'll have to see, huh?"

Sylvain and I walk parallel to each other when we are able to, dying tea candles guiding our way. He carries a flashlight to help us see. I am happy enough to be alone with him that I can even ignore my limp. 

Sylvain's room is at the top floor in the attic. It's the only room there, larger but more cramped along the edges due to the slant of the roof. From the doorway, Sylvain reveals a bed at the far end, a desk that holds a laptop, and a clothing rack his shirts and dress pants hang from. The other things are going to different cubby holes, but there's not much. A gray second hand loveseat takes up one wall, betraying how empty the room feels. It's not a large room by any means, but it feels endless with how barren it looks. That's largely due to the lack of interior decorating, a subject I also struggle to apply. It's sort of homey for that. 

Sylvain watches me observe it. "Kinda wish I left a mess here," he says, short of breath. "Give it a little character." 

I snort, setting my pajamas on his desk, long johns from head to toe. They're form-fitting, but if my body does anything to tempt it asunder, it will either be intentional or it will not keep itself a secret regardless. Sylvain pulls a pair of plaid sweats from a cubby, a stained shirt from the rack. "This is what I would have worn if I didn't want to match your effort, for the record." 

I smirk. "Duly noted, Sylvain." I look around, trying to see where might be best to dress. I blush, failing to see something, and I'll go downstairs before Sylvain sees me in a state of undress before I am ready. 

Sylvain takes a few steps forward. "There's a half-bath," he says. It's almost alarming, how hazy he sounds, somewhere between nervous, eager, and desperate. He's easy to read, unable to hide the feelings that I share, ones that make it hard to breathe. "I'll, ah, I'ma duck in there until we're dressed." 

"I appreciate it, Sylvain."

"Of course," he responds, unintentionally brusque. 

Oh dear, he may have misinterpreted it. I can tell every time; he sounds defensive and there's fear in his eyes like I will destroy him by walking away believing him no less a guilty, filthy soul than when I met him. Time changes a lot, but the deepest of fears are most resistant. Even now, I worry he will find me strict and judgmental like he fears I will find him invasive and selfish. 

So I tell him "I really do. It helps me feel safe around you." 

He stops. "I, ah… it does?" 

"It does. And I, like… never feel safe around people like I do around you." It's the honest truth, the purest we know… but it's so long been unspoken and I've been scared to break it. Saying that I feel safe around him is a declaration of love and desire that those three words could never encompass no matter how it is said. 

It is not a road wider, but a road parallel. 

He beams. When he says "Th-thank you," he sounds like he is crying. It brings tears to my eyes too. "Edelgard, I…" He's shaking. "I'm gonna put my clothes on and like… be out." 

"Cool cool," I respond meekly. 

He closes the door to the bathroom. I hear the snap of a switch and then a cackling "goddamn it." He cracks the door open slightly and says "Forgot the power was out." 

I chuckle. "You goofball." 

He laughs. When it's silent, I strip down to my underwear, snapping my bra off. Embarrassingly, I examine the cuteness level of the panties I'm wearing as though, were something to even happen, he could see them without shining a whole flashlight on them. I try to think and pull my long johns on until my skin is covered. I crack my knuckles and fold my clothes, setting them by a side of the door. Then, I sit on the couch, steadying my breath as much as I can. It is nearly impossible, but I try. 

Sylvain's door creaks. "Hello," I mutter, nervous and seductive in a big jumbled mess that sounds like  _ aaaaaaaaaa.  _

He chuckles nervously. Even in such ugly garments, he is… to be frank, mindblowingly hot. Those aren't elegant words, but that's how I feel right now. Maybe it's the casual spikes of his orange hair that he tries in vain to control with his hand. Maybe it's the way that he fills out the outfit- either he's wearing too small a size (which wouldn't surprise me, knowing him) or maybe he's more built than I expected. Maybe it's his shy smile, hands behind his head, eyes flitting between me and the floor. Maybe it's because he is Sylvain, my favorite person.

"You look nice," I allow myself. 

"Thanks," he says. Oh my God, he's blushing. I made him blush. That's- wow. I don't think I ever truly processed the idea of him being nervous. I always assumed he'd have it together a little more than me. 

He takes a seat on the couch next to me, looking awkward and terrified. Though he's twenty-five and I twenty-three, the way we act is akin to teenagers in front of their parents. 

I'm a little outraged that he gets his phone out before touching me in a moment like  _ this.  _ Then I hear instrumental music coming from it and realize. Sylvain shrugs like he's not hot with embarrassment and says "I fuckin'  _ begged  _ Mercedes to help me make a chill playlist for up here. Here's hoping she picked good songs." 

I smile. "So  _ that's _ why you were so doggedly on your phone."

"Got it," he says. He's still smiling utterly shyly. "I didn't really have my own chill-out music and my brain is at pea soup consistency right now so I couldn't remember who you liked except the songs you sent and some of them I've never heard of to know what songs are calm enough. So I sent it to her and told her 'help me, o dearest saint Mercedes, help me to not look like a thickheaded prick.'" 

I giggle. "I'll be sure to thank her!" 

Sylvain grins. "After I asked her for calm pretty songs, she said 'Oh! Who are you making it for?'" He bows his head, doubled over to control his laughter. "Then right after, she asked 'that cute girl with the white hair you're with all the time?'" I gasp sharply, then start to laugh as well. "I basically ran out of steam because you can't bullshit her, so I just was like 'her name is Edelgard, just embarrass me already.'"

I snort. I've met Mercedes a time or two. She's about five years on me but she could be a grandparent with how sweet and doting she is. Sylvain  _ adores  _ her. Different from how I  _ think  _ he feels about me. She's his big sister mentor figure, a void left by Miklan. "She figured you out way too quickly, then!" 

Sylvain beams "Told you she was perceptive!"  _ She may be, or you just know each other.  _ "But yeah, that's the story. If it works, thank her."

"I will," I promise. Then I think about it a little and smile off in the distance. "But I wanna thank you too, cause it was your idea." 

"You don't think I do this for all my dates or anything, do ya?" While his words sound bitter, the question is legitimate.

I shake my head. "After all the flailing you described I figured there's no way you put in that work for like fifty other girls." I smirk, but I only grow fonder in my heart. Sylvain chuckles, looking at my flushed cheeks. "I, ah… this is really sweet. Thank you, Sylvain." 

He scratches behind his neck. "Aw, it was nothing. I mean, I outsourced it, so I didn't even make it." 

"You still are why it exists," I counter. "So thank you." 

Sylvain just smiles. "Course, Eddy." 

I feel… very nice right now. Very clear. No thoughts in my head other than the happiness of this experience. I've never really been in love before. Whenever I had feelings I squashed them before they became a nuisance. I'm not the most wanted girl in the world unless you're a forty year old chaser and I certainly do not ever settle for people like that. What I've settled for is disinterest and dismissal; never desired, never desiring, until the last person I expected walked into my heart.

I hope he never walks out.

I look down, hand cupped on the couch in indecision until Sylvain deigns to cover it with his. We look each other in the face. He's got the goofiest little grin and I know I must look terrified as I  _ feel  _ terrified. I take a breath and say "I'm really looking forward to it, Sylvain." 

He smiles. "I'm glad." 

Even before he does anything with me- you know, the live real human girl- he scrolls like he has a death wish. "Looking for a good one to start it for real," he explains. "I just don't know the perfect one." 

How did we jump from  _ good  _ to  _ perfect?  _ "Want to know what song I wanna hear?" 

"Uh, sure."

I take the phone from him and pick a song that I like before handing it back. "Well, damn," he says with a half-laugh. "As long as you're happy."

The song plays. It's just barely older than us both, a simple guitar ballad. It's nice to lean back against Sylvain to this song and how it sounds like daydreams and slow dancing in perfect rhythm. Or daydreams about slow dancing with him at whatever rhythm. 

The song teases us with  _ I think it's strange you never knew.  _ I spray spit and laughter on the unfortunate floor. Sylvain gets it and laughs in a way that belies how silly we both feel, looking at the other flailing for months and loving the dance. 

"Oh well." Sylvain picks up on my inferences. "We're here now."

I smile, but I can't truly believe it. I'm afraid I'll be awoken. I mumble "Think we are too." 

That's the last thing we say. We don't need more words than that. 

It takes him a full minute to wrap his arm around me when his hand would have been around my ankle in nothing flat were we downstairs. There are less people and there is little I would not do for him, here and now. He doesn't own me, but he could sure convince me of a lot. 

He looks out the window ahead of him. It's the blur of midnight and black where the stars stand out a lot, especially in such a lowly lit room. What stands out even more are the snowflakes we can make out even from over here. It's like a sandstorm, how rapidly it careens to the ground. I silently wonder if I should be too worried yet. Reading me well, he casually says "nah, it's okay. We're Faerghus. They build keeping this weather in mind." 

"That's kinda reassuring," I admit. "I just, like- damn, it's storming bad. Even the storms in Fhirdiad before were never this violent." 

Sylvain smiles. "I mean, there's definitely been worse. You're just not used to it, I guess." 

"No, I am not," I admit. "But I think I'll get used to it. I've lived in Fhirdiad for a while yet, and I will stay a while longer, so I doubt I really have a choice." 

He nods. "Yeah, times like this the best we can do is cope." 

"Probably cuddle too." 

He hums pleasantly. "That too."

I slump against him, clutching across his torso. I find that I kind of want to stay there, warm and cozy against his broad, pillowy chest. Sylvain is soft flesh as much as he is hard muscle.

I think of next steps and they all seem so understandably frightening. I've never done  _ any  _ of this. I'm aspec, for crying out loud. I'm not ignorant about sex because I figure that if I take a partner into bed with me,  _ I should probably know what I'm doing.  _ Even if it's bone-chillingly cold, I want to be present. And yet, here we are, nerdy prom dates trying to present an image of classy elegance that horny teenagers will never have. 

"D-do I gotta initiate again?" That sounds humorous in my head until I say it aloud and realize my voice is vacant, panicked, and thirsty. I thought that when someone was thirsty, it meant that they were just desperate to get it and get out, but no. I'm desperately desiring  _ Sylvain _ . My best friend. My pride. 

"Initiate?" He plays dumb. I could slap him right now so I'm glad I'm under his arm. 

"Sylvain, for the love of Sothis, I'm about to vomit or pass out if we don't kiss right now." 

"Shit, okay, fuck." Sylvain takes a breath, briefly staring at the darkest corner of the room, then kisses me right where we are. I have no clue where he and his lips are, so he kisses atop my head like I'm a pet damn kitty. As soon as he realizes his mistake, he lifts his head and swears again. 

I laugh in shock. "Sylvain!" I cackle. "What the fuck?" 

"You said  _ right now  _ so I just tried it  _ right then! _ " 

"For Seiros' sake, Sylvain," I respond. "You knew what I meant!" 

He starts laughing as he says "I don't know anything right now! I'm dead-" Then I join in, not totally sure why. "I'm dead-terrified, scared shitless! I  _ know _ it's weird," he adds, hands up defensively "to have all this experience add up to jack shit but…" he finally stops laughing. "I've never, like… been with anyone I already know." 

"Been with?" Half-jokingly: "What… are we doing, Sylvain?" 

He slaps his forehead. "Shit, uhm…" He sits up. "Like, romantically. Kiss and see where that takes us."

Now I'm interested. Interested and needy… I think I need to know for certain. "Where do you want it to take us?" 

He gasps, realizing the second that I did that I just took control of the conversation. Distantly, I'm a little impressed with myself, a feeling I'm not accustomed to. He blinks a few times and though unconsciously looks at the bed, he says nothing. 

I start to crawl up his body like smoke rising from a forest fire. He tries not to react to me but that doesn't last the closer I get when one arm clamps around my back, fingers nearly digging in. "It's okay, Sylvain," I promise. "It's me. I get it. Like, uhm…" I'm too nervous to speak right now, so I get Sylvain. Just to get the courage to, I hold his neck and try to brace myself on his shoulder. "Look, I think we want the same thing." 

Sylvain nods. "I mean, me too. I just…" 

His voice dies in the middle of it but that's enough for me to be worried. Slacking my hold on his neck, I ask "Sylvain? What's wrong, love?" Then I use all of my fortitude to not slap myself.  _ Love? Really?  _ Bad enough that I feel the need to stop at all, but must I sound so intense at doing so? 

At least, I think that way until I realize that he hasn't responded yet. I tilt my head. "Sylvain," I repeat. 

"Look, Eddy." 

He sounds so morose that it surprises me, a total 180. "I need to get something off my chest right here and now." 

My eyes widen as I try to imagine how he's going to do so. What he's going to say. That he doesn't have romantic interest in me or that I'm being invasive. Perhaps worse. Perhaps a secret kept from me right now. Maybe something that shows how ill he's felt about lately. Or maybe  _ none of that based on any logical context. Goddess strike down my anxiety.  _

He doesn't move. I let him get the courage to say it, as anxious as I am right now. Then he lifts himself up and puts his head in his hands. "Th-this isn't right."

"What?!" 

"No, no, like  _ I'm  _ not right." 

"Sylvain, why are you-" 

"I'm just…"

I release him, sitting next to him as he seems to break into pieces, head in his hands. This is going down the road of my fears and it cuts into me doing so. "You're scaring me, babe. I don't know what's going on and, and, and-"

He seems to come to life when I hit a wall. "Eddy, I'm sorry. Really, like, I stretched this out because I was scared. I just…" Disgusted at himself, he throws his head down harshly, nearly hitting the sofa. "Look, I fucked up, Edie, I just… I can't lie. That's the kind of scumbag I used to be, right? And I don't want to be that way anymore, you know? I just feel like I did something wrong and it'd be wrong of me to kiss you or touch you knowing that it's because I lied to you."

He went over time, definitely, but I can tell that he just really emphasized that he's not doing anything to demean me. I feel myself descend to the ground a little more. "Okay," I breathe, tone in the most neutral way that my father talked to me. "Okay, how?" After a second, I add the word "please" which feels more like how vulnerable I am feeling. 

He puts his hands in his pockets. "Okay. Okay. I'm sorry, I just need a minute."

It takes a minute for him to shoulder the burden. The whole time, I feel my stance slack, my bravery dissipating and leaving us both having less of something than we came in with.

Then he speaks. "The reason I didn't tell you about Dorothea was… straight up, I was scared to." 

I process his words. When I do, I'm not processing much at all. "You… just didn't?" Even if he started his apology that way, I only just now got it. Sylvain never lies to me this hard. I'm not sure what to make of it.

He nods. "I found out a day before Ingrid was gonna bring Dorothea and it took me a second to be like 'wait, fuck, I gotta tell El' but I don't know, I was worried to tell you because I just, like… I really wanted you here and I was afraid you'd decide not to go. I wanted you to meet my friends, you know? They're my family. And it was selfish and made a lot of trouble and I know I should have just told you, but I've been just thinking like I'm losing it lately and I'm so sorry." 

I close my eyes and fold my hands together because maybe, deep down, I am afraid. Maybe I'm afraid that he'll try more lies like this in the future if I forgive this. Maybe I'm setting myself up to be the fool. Maybe this is suffering and I need it to develop into who the universe wants me to be. But the question is, what kind of woman do  _ I _ want to be? I've had twelve years to figure this out. Maybe I should start to try. 

I open my eyes. "I'd have still gone with you even knowing she was there. You'd be there." 

Sylvain looks at me with his mouth slightly cracked open. It's the first time that I've noticed his tears. Sylvain isn't a crier. He never even used that tactic as a womanizer because he used to find crying weak. Yet here he is, mouth ajar, eyes scared, tears hitting the floor. 

"I'd be there?" he asks like this is news to him. 

I just nod. "That's what I was looking forward to." 

Sylvain's eyes crack open, his orange hair so sweaty that he has to hold it back. Sorry, I need to pace. I, uh… wow." He takes to his feet, bewildered. I can see the mindrot eating at him, the way he holds his head and outpaces his thoughts. Finally, he says "You're not, like, sick of my shit?"

I close my eyes to do nothing but make my reply perfectly said. "You don't give me as much shit as you think," I start. "I just wish you were honest. Even if you just told me here, I would have appreciated the honesty. It… unnerves me when you're not." 

"Okay, I'm…" His aggressive response dies out. "I'm… look, I just…" He sighs. "Sorry, I need to take a knee. I…" He does, arms folded atop the one bent, trembling as he exhales a few attempts at deep breaths. "Look, I… I really do try, Eddy. Like, just to do things right. I messed up here because I panicked and I was too busy panicking to, like, do what's right. Because I thought you'd see her, see the date, and just back out. And I can't tell you how little I wanted that to happen. I…" He bows. "I was scared. I was an idiot because-" 

" _ Sylvie _ ."

He's talking in circles, looking so desperate, so terrified… I can't take it. It's a heartbreaking sight. So I reach my hand down to him, shaking, voice cracking as I beg him "stand up, please." It takes him too long and he stumbles a little, but he's close enough to take my hand, and I lift him up. When he stands, I stand, letting him go to outstretch my arms as a signal. He looks stunned, but accepts and awkwardly reciprocates before leaning against me, trying to restrain himself from falling, from crying.

"Please don't scare yourself away from telling me the truth next time." My voice is a cracked plea that doesn't sound like me. Maybe in retrospect this is overblown by us both, but this sparks more fear than I expected.

"Okay, babe," he says. "I'm sorry." 

I pat his back. "You can stop apologizing." 

He chuckles hollowly, like he thinks he should despite being very unhappy. "Yeah, makes sense."

I refuse to let it go. "I know you're feeling some way."

Sylvain scratches his head. "This just… I didn't expect this, Ed. I didn't expect it to be like… so painless." 

"So painless?" 

He looks down. "Not used to that. No, I am not."

Then it hits me. "Oh, my dear. I'm so sorry. I didn't think about how that factors into it." So many things he tells me run through my head, things that I will carry to my grave, reasons that I will hold him softly, assure him that he has no price to pay because I love him and trust him because I am praying he knows that giving me reasons to trust him is a love language. I trust him more than anyone. I do not trust him completely.

He's hardly revealed much to me, but he's revealed a lot more than before.

"I'm sorry, Sylvain," I repeat. "I wasn't trying to scare you." 

"It's okay, Eddy, it's not your fault. I just… you mean a lot to me, you know? That's what scares me. I want…" His eyes leave the present so I mutter his name from beneath his chin. "Thanks, thanks. God, I hate this. It happens every time."

"The fear?" 

He nods. "I daydream about you. Who we are. What you've done for me. What I want to see for us. Sometimes they're nice. But sometimes I… remember… things I shouldn't. And it's hard to untangle it from being scared shitless." 

I hold him close. "We're both a little scared, Sylvain. But I'm there with you, you know?"

"Yeah. Yeah." He nestles in my neck. "Thanks so much, honey."

"Of course," I respond. "You're a good person and I mean that." 

He holds me tighter. "I know you do. You're honest. And…" He pulls away, still holding me. "I do trust you. It's, uh…" He looks away. "Hard for me to trust people. But I'm working to get better." 

I bow my head. "I believe you. That means a lot to me. I'm just…" Well, I'm not pleased with myself for being blinded, but that's a sore subject for me. "Trusting people is hard for me to do. So please be careful, like…"

I feel my voice shaking, ducking from the spotlight. I try to project, but I feel like I'm going to suffocate and fall to the ground. "If I trusted someone and they used it, I would absolutely get misted. A-and that can't be you, Sylvain. I don't want there to be a point where you know you can hurt me." I cry just a bit; it is so scary to fear the worst even though- for better or worse- I trust Sylvain as much as I can. 

"I'd never intentionally, like, set out hurt you," he rebuts swiftly, brushing a hand against my visible cheekbone, hunting out tears. "I'm a dumbass but I really care about us." 

Something about the word  _ us…  _ I am a moth to its flame. I've thought about the abstract  _ us  _ far after it became a known thing. It already started when I'd already visited for a month or two exclusively as Sylvain's plus-one. It wasn't like I didn't know them- Dimitri was my lost half-brother, after all- but by that point I was a member of the family by spirit of the law, not just its letter. By then, it was less as Dimitri's lesbian half-sister and more as Sylvain's gay best friend. Well, the gay best friend who- wait- came out as bi and- my God, she's getting  _ mighty _ cozy with Sylvain now. And soon it likely became  _ them.  _ Edelgard and Sylvain. Edie and Sylv. Eddy and Silva. Ed and Sylvie.  _ They kissed on the couch?  _ and _ Hah, I called it.  _ I usually detest being predictable, so easily figured out, but if everyone knew that fate decided that my place was here, beside the one always beside me, I can't say I'd mind all too much. 

"It's pretty cool that we have an  _ us. _ " That's all I can say with my heart shaking free of its veins. 

Sylvain smiles. "It is. I, ah…" He scratches his head. "I'm not sure what you want to do now." 

I look him in the eyes. "Truthfully, Sylvain, though I wish I were otherwise, it has been an incredibly long night."

He shrugs. "I getcha. No pressure." He does sound a bit disappointed, but it's not one that's surprised by circumstances. The lights have been out for eight hours. I think we're both exhausted and a little loopy, probably enough to absolutely flail were we to try anything. 

I ask him a risky question. "Sylvain, will you, like… want me tomorrow?" 

Sylvain chuckles, underscoring how silly it is to ask. "Cards on the table? I kind of wanted you for a while." Even though my eyes are downcast by embarrassment, I beam. "You're, like…" He puts up his hands. "This is gonna sound really creepy and weird, but the day you told me that you were bi…" He chuckles. "I was in a pretty good mood all day."

Sputtering like a fool, I all but fall on the couch. To save my dignity, I motion for him to sit next to me as if this was planned. He does, carefully wrapping an arm around me with less embarrassment than before. I am trying not to overthink things when I ask "You weren't... waiting, were you?" 

"Not really waiting as much as secretly always hoping." He looks at me with soft eyes. "Just, like… felt like kind of a dipshit, falling for my best friend who I thought was gay." Sputtering a laugh: "I really never wanted to be the useless dude crushing on a lesbian, you know? Especially my best friend and…" He leans into me. "One I learned a lot from. It seemed disrespectful, you know? And it was a problem I dealt with for a few months, so when you came out I was… relieved more than anything. Like, I just didn't want these feelings to be weird from the start." 

His voice peters out like he barely has anything in him to save face. He's shaking; I can feel the way his arm flutters against my back. I wonder if it was hard to tell me. I get it; it always feels like I'm intruding on someone I have feelings for. Yet, for someone with experience who has me in his arms, he seems frightfully insecure. I remember him saying he couldn't address the things done to him without breaking down. When he told them to me, he tried to be as unfeeling as possible. This… seems like something too detailed and emotional to figure out. 

"Love makes no sense," I blurt. Sterling work, Edelgard. "I can't imagine I'd be mad, I just… needed to see how you saw me." 

"Oh damn it," he mumbles. "I hope you don't mind it, then. It's the truth." 

"I know," I assure him. "You get a quieter voice when you tell me truths you're afraid to tell." I flick his ear. "Besides, I didn't mind it at all, Sylvain." 

He sighs with relief so hard I think he was holding back tears, breathing hoarse. "Oh, babe!" I shout in a panic. "You're okay, right?" 

He waves his hand in front of his eyes. "Yeah, these are happy tears! Like…" He places that hand on his heart, probably hammering as much as mine. "Oh, Goddess above! Thank you! Damn!" I giggle, wiping his cheek. He sporadically cries, but I'm not sure if I've ever seen him cry of happiness. "I just feel freer. Like, I overthought fucking  _ everything.  _ I know I have a lot of baggage which I pretty much always have to carry, you know? And this is a big chunk off."

_ Ah.  _ "I really never thought of this," I admit. 

"Thought about what?" 

"Like, how you felt towards me." I lean into him because I think I need a supportive surface for something nerve wracking. "It seemed kind of like a pipe dream. I didn't really ever express myself or leave my comfort zone because I thought it would be arrogant to assume, I guess." 

Sylvain laughs. "Trust me, babe, I've yet to find anything wrong with fantasy." 

I chuckle sensibly. The innuendo is there but I let it hang in his mind out of exhaustion (no pun intended). "Maybe not… I'd have felt awful, though. Like, taking the whole idea of you and making it mine alone." I clear my throat, trying not to get sleepy yet. "Which is silly, I  _ know,  _ but… I don't really know, babe. I didn't wanna just, like, use you for fantasy." And even then, I failed a few times.

"I mean, it's harmless. It doesn't pull me into your orbit and force me into it."

"Even give you any creeps? The times I was around you and really wanted you and was trying not to be obvious?" Maybe I did act differently around him after all. I'm usually not this forward romantically or sexually but I struggle communicating my feelings sometimes. 

He smiles but I'm not sure what emotion he focuses on. "I mean, I started to feel  _ that  _ energy about a couple weeks ago but even if I thought I'd just lost touch with reality I also couldn't really fault you. You put it down, I picked it up." 

"But if you weren't into me?" 

"That's not the reality we're in," he assures me. "Don't hurt yourself for a reality that didn't happen. I don't really care what's there, to be honest. I just know it's our time to shine this reality." 

I smirk. My God, is he dramatic! But I'm also sniffling, so maybe it's working. "It is, isn't it?" 

"I really think so, Eddy." 

It's all so much bigger than comprehension as a whole. The idea of realities splitting and diverging feels like some obnoxious tangle of lines. It wasn't just one choice that did anything more than start me onto this journey. It was hundreds of things between us that led us here. Outgrowing our toxic behaviors, being vulnerable, risking making a true friend out of someone we used to distrust, trusting them when they praised us, independently becoming who we want to be while cheering the other on and… well, acting on our feelings. Each decision is a limb with hundreds of branches, a family tree of every element of our personalities, all tied to the root of us. It's remarkable that this happened. 

It seems bigger than us, but it is in fact  _ us.  _

I yawn again, more disruptive than ever. Sylvain strokes my back. "Ready for bed?" I can do nothing but nod. He smiles. "Good girl. Me too." 

A little too spaced to be flustered, I just say "good  _ boy _ ", poking his chest. 

"I  _ feel _ good." 

Nothing else needs to be said. Both of us stumble to a different side of the bed and crawl in. Once we're in, he pulls the covers over us both. I lean into his chest, feeling him wrap his arms around me and kisses the side of my head. It's very novel; even as much as I know that this stuff happens, being the girl someone genuinely desires is a position I gave up on being in.

"It's, like, already the day after," he starts. "But I have a little gift for you tomorrow if you don't mind waiting." 

I sigh. "I'm never gonna sleep now," I lie. 

"That's definitely what it looks like." 

I chuckle. "Sweet of you though." With a yawn: "I'm sorry I didn't get anything. I chickened out."

Sylvain chuckles. I can feel the vibrations. "Babe, I promise you having a gift in here was to give me the guts to do something about it." 

"Pretty brave of you." 

"You made a move first." 

I smile. "Yeah. Guess I did." It's quiet for a few seconds before I add "Just couldn't make myself wait any longer." 

"Well," he responds slowly. "I'm glad."

The room falls into a peaceful silence until sleep overtakes me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...y'all I think I like Sylvain. 
> 
> Kill me now.

**Author's Note:**

> Next time I have an exercise in mind re: the song choices. Stay tuned!


End file.
